


No Longer The Weakest Link

by falterunbroken



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Trigger Warning for depression, trigger warning withdrawal and discussion of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 10:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falterunbroken/pseuds/falterunbroken
Summary: Migrated over from FF.net, I wrote this stuff back in 2014, so sorry for the mediocrity of it all, lol. Spencer's life seems to be falling apart around her, and she turns to someone unexpected to help her pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Emily Fields/Spencer Hastings
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I figured since I use AO3 the most, I would migrate my few fics over here. This is the first fanfic I ever wrote, and I never edited it, so have fun y'all! I stopped watching PLL after season 6, and this fic is definitely AU anyway. 
> 
> P.S. - I wrote this a long time ago and was not super educated on withdrawal, forgive me for any inaccuracies or inconsistencies. 
> 
> Disclaimer: None of the storylines or characters from Pretty Little Liars are mine if they were it would be Spemily all day every day.

“Em?” Spencer’s voice shook on the other end of the phone and I was immediately on alert, ready to act at a moment’s notice.

No matter how upset and concerned I was about the pill situation, Spencer was my best friend, and I was ready to do anything for her, especially when she sounded so broken.

“Spence? What is it? Are you okay?” I questioned rapidly despite having been woken up so abruptly, my heart pounding in my chest once I noticed that it was four o’clock in the morning. Sleep didn’t come easy to any of us anymore, but four am was pretty extreme, even for Spencer.

I took the silence that followed my question as a moment to rub the sleep out of my eyes and sit up more fully, throwing the covers from my legs and preparing to jump out of bed and run to wherever Spencer was. And I would have. I would have run out into the cold early morning in my bare feet and thin pajamas; I would have run for miles if Spencer was in trouble and needed me.

My best friend took a deep, shaky breath that reverberated across the phone line and I immediately stood and slipped sweatpants over my pajama shorts, stuffing my feet into a soft pair of boots and freaking out as Spencer remained completely silent.

“Spence? Talk to me…” I ordered softly, finally slipping into a jacket before grabbing my purse as I headed down the stairs as quietly as possible. Explaining why I had to leave the house at such an hour to my mother was not something I had time for, especially if whatever Spencer was going through had to do with A. That was not a conversation I wanted or needed to have while Spencer was in trouble.

My best friend still had not answered me.

“Where are you?” I demanded, maybe a little too harshly, but the adrenaline pumping through my system had my heart beating so fast I was afraid I might die of anxiety before I ever reached her.

I couldn’t let anything happen to Spencer. Not again. Not after Radley.

“At home,” she started, the rest of her words choked off by a sob, and my heart clenched in my chest. She sounded so broken.

“I’m on my way, unlock the kitchen door for me if you can, I’ll be there in two minutes,” I told her, practically running down the street towards the Hastings’ house, “stay on the phone with me, I’m almost there, just hold on for me Spence.”

I reached the Hastings’ kitchen door in record time. Turning the knob, I was eternally grateful to find it open. As quietly as possible, I crept upstairs, suddenly nervous about what state I might find my friend in. With everything that was happening, from A to college applications to the pills, I had no idea what to expect when I walked into that bedroom. What if she didn’t know where she was or what was happening? What if she was back on the pills and had lied to us about being done with them? What if something terrible had happened or A was there and she was truly in trouble?

Taking a deep breath, I tried my best to slow my heart rate and steel my nerves against the possibility of meeting A on the other side of that door before knocking lightly and calling out to her softly, wanting to let her know that I was there before slowly pushing the door open.

The sight before me was a more painful twist to my heart than anything I had experienced since losing Maya.

Spencer Hastings, the strongest and most courageous person I had ever met in my life, was curled up into a tiny ball on top of the covers, staring off into space looking entirely lifeless, the only sign of consciousness the slight shaking of her shoulders as she cried silently into her pillow. She made no indication that she was aware of my presence, so I called out to her softly once more, not wanting to scare or upset her with my sudden appearance. Still, she didn’t move much for a few long moments. But then she reached her left hand out slightly behind her, seeming to strain toward me with all the strength she had left.

“Oh Spence,” I whispered, practically running to her before crawling onto the bed next to her and gathering her thin body to my own, turning her towards me as I ran a hand through her hair and whispered reassuring words to her, trying my best to calm her down enough that she might be able to speak.  
I had no idea how long we laid there, me whispering and Spencer crying quietly into my neck. It seemed that she clung more tightly to me with every passing second and I became more and more concerned as her tears continued to flow.

“Shhh, Spence, it’s okay, I’ve got you. Just talk to me, tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart,” I whispered, placing a soft kiss to her forehead in a last-ditch attempt to calm her.

Surprisingly enough, it seemed to work.

Finally, the tears stopped falling and Spencer pulled away from me a little, though only enough to look in my eyes for a moment before turning away again. Even without the tears she looked so incredibly devastated, a heartbroken beauty if ever I saw one, and I couldn’t help but run my hand through her hair again in an attempt to soothe her. All I wanted to do was calm her, take away some of her pain for just a little while as she had for me so many times. I just wanted to protect her. But Spencer was always the protector, and I had absolutely no idea what to do in her place.

She mumbled something quietly into my shoulder, but I couldn’t quite make out her words. I was afraid to push her, afraid that I would send her back to that dark place she had just escaped, but I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know what was wrong.

“I’m sorry, Spence, but I couldn’t hear what you said. Can you repeat it for me? You know you can tell me anything, I’m here no matter what,” I murmured, trying to catch her eye as she continued to have a staring contest with her comforter.

She shifted slightly and started shaking again, but not so violently this time, and I knew she was nervous. I simply tightened my arms around her, doing my best to make her feel safe.

“I’m so sorry, Em. I’m so sorry I lied to you,” Spencer sniffled, glancing up to my eyes for a moment before quickly averting her gaze once more.  
“Spence, you don’t have to…” I started, wanting to appease her guilt, but was cut off by a violent shake of my best friend’s head and the hand she brought to my mouth with almost superhuman speed.

“Yes, I do,” she stated firmly, waiting for me to nod my assent before she continued, “after everything that has happened, after the mess I’ve created between us recently, I should have realized this sooner. I should have realized that the only way we can trust each other to get through this is if we’re honest with each other, and I’m sorry if I broke your trust. Out of everyone, you have been my rock through all of this insanity, and I should have come to you, but I was so afraid, Em.”

She stopped again, but I could tell there was so much more she wanted to say, and I wanted to know absolutely everything if only because she wanted so badly to tell me.

“Afraid of what, Spence?”

At that moment, I realized I was actually afraid, afraid of what her answer might be, afraid that she was going to say that her fear was of me, of some weakness or vulnerability in me. It only took being told that I was the weakest link among our group once to foster that insecurity in me, and I hadn’t quite mastered it even then.

“Afraid that I would disappoint you,” she whispered so quietly I could only just make out her words, and when I did I felt like I was going to cry, but I did my best to hold back my tears as she continued. “You are my person, Em, even more so than Toby, and I couldn’t tell you what was happening with me because I was terrified that you wouldn’t trust me anymore when you saw how weak and vulnerable I was, how useless.

I felt like it would be the same as when I got out of Radley and everyone was walking on eggshells around me just waiting for me to break again. I couldn’t take the chance that you would stop bringing me in on A stuff because you were afraid I was too fragile. If I weren’t in the loop, I couldn’t protect you, and I have to protect you, you’re my person…” She was rambling by the end and stopped herself abruptly when she realized what she was doing, her eyes suddenly wide after realizing just how much she had shared.

“But why the pills, Spence? What do the pills have to do with it?” I asked gently, my hands still tangled in her hair as I tried to understand how this all fit together.

Just the mention of Radley made me feel intensely guilty, and I had to shake myself to bring my mind back to the present and away from the battered and bruised Spencer that had inhabited that hellish place.

“I was so tired, Em. With school and trying to translate Ali’s journal and worrying about all of you and trying to keep up with everything else… I just couldn’t do it anymore, it was too much, and I didn’t have enough time for everything. What it said in that folder was true; I did struggle with something similar a couple of years ago, right after Ali disappeared and before we became friends again. My parents knew about it and they got me help, and I promised them it would never happen again. I thought I could handle them this time, I thought I knew how much I could handle, but things just kept piling up.

It was catastrophe after catastrophe, complication after complication, and I couldn’t keep everything straight. I needed to focus, but everything just kept getting fuzzier, and that’s when I should have stopped. I can’t protect you if my head is fuzzy with adrenaline and exhaustion, but I was past that point by then, I needed them too much, the pills that is, and then the whole Ezra debacle happened, and I couldn’t even think about giving them up.

I was so lost, and I wanted to come to you. That’s probably why I called you at four o’clock in the morning when I was completely out of my mind and sleepwalking the other night; even my subconscious was reaching out to you. Now my parents know and I don’t know what they’re going to do, and I can’t get sent away because I have to protect you guys. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I was too weak to actually talk to you about everything, I’m sorry if I’ve lost your confidence, and god I’m so sorry if this puts you guys in more danger than ever if my parents send me away. Just please don’t hate me, I couldn’t handle it if you hated me,” she explained tearfully, my heart breaking with every word.

Spencer had always been the tough one, standing up to Ali, going after what she wanted, and I was ashamed to say that I never even contemplated that she might need help before her stay in Radley. Even after she got out, after a while, she seemed to be back to her old self, Detective Hastings all over again, and I never thought that it was just an act, a façade to protect herself from the world and protect us from what she saw as weakness. I had been so blind, so single-minded in my pursuit of Ali that I had forgotten about the person that had been by my side through everything. Never in my life had I felt so terrible, and I hugged Spencer to me tightly in an effort to assuage some of the guilt. At least I could be there for her now, even if it could never make up for my negligence in the past.

“Spence, there is absolutely nothing weak about you. You are the strongest, most courageous, most loyal person I have ever known. All you have ever done is try to protect us, but you don’t have to protect us from you, and you don’t always have to be so strong. That’s what friends are for. Let us be your strength when you feel yourself flagging under the pressure. God knows you have enough to do without this A bullshit looming over you. We never should have let you decipher that journal on your own; we took the easy way out, but not again. From now on you tell us when you need a break, we’ll go out to the lake or something, try to get your mind on something else for a couple of hours, make you take a nap at the very least. You have to take care of yourself, Spence. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” I told her passionately, pulling her chin up so that she was looking me right in the eyes.

I couldn’t lose her; I had to make her understand that.

“How can I protect you if I’m busy taking care of myself? Hell Emily, A almost got to you in school the other night. He drove a fucking car into your house! How am I supposed to take a nap when all I can think about is whether or not you’re safe? I can’t sleep knowing you could be in danger somewhere, you or Hanna or Aria. It’s driving me crazy, I’m just so freaking tired.”

She was crying again, the tears coming down faster than before, and she pulled me close, burying her head back in the crook of my neck. All I could think was, finally. I had finally got the truth out of her. She wasn’t taking pills because she had too much on her plate or because people had unrealistically high expectations of her, it was because she was worried about keeping her friends safe. It was because she was terrified that if she didn’t solve this A puzzle as soon as possible then something terrible was going to happen to us, and I think she was terrified of how she would handle that after what led to Radley.

All I could do for some time was hold her as she cried. I was overwhelmed by the strength of her loyalty and love, and I was having trouble processing everything. One thing I did know was that I had to do something to help her, make her see reason, but I was so unsure of myself, and Spencer’s sudden flood of emotions was not helping matters.

Looking awkwardly down at her profile while her head was still buried in the crook of my neck, I wondered at the power that lay within her. It took her years to come to this, to break down and look for help. Granted, she looked in a very wrong place, but it spoke to her strength that it took her so long. After Maya, I found solace in alcohol, so I had no room to judge Spencer, and she was the one who helped me through that anyway. Hanna tripled her obsessions with food, shopping, and Caleb. And Hanna was right, Aria’s addiction was Ezra, he was her way to escape what was happening to us.

But until now, Spencer had lived completely in A’s world. She had had no escape, not even Toby after what happened in the woods, and I could only marvel at how amazing she was, how much power and strength was hidden in those long limbs, in that incredible heart. I promised myself at that moment that I would do everything in my power to get Spencer through this, whatever happened, I would be there for her one hundred percent. And if I ever got a chance, I would kill the person responsible for trying to bring her down.

“Spencer, you don’t always have to protect me. Sometimes, I have to protect me. And sometimes I have to protect you. That’s what we do, that’s what we’ve always done. You’re my person too, and I would be equally as lost without you, as you would be without me. Do you remember when we were out at the lake for my party, and we found Jenna half-dead in the water? You remember that I’m the one that jumped in after her? Well, I did that because I thought she was you. I was terrified that you had drowned in that lake and that you were gone from my life forever.

I was so scared, Spence. I can’t do this without you; I need you with me. You make me strong, and I like to think I do the same for you. We need each other, and that means I need all of you, well-rested you, not pill popping hyper-alert you. I don’t need you to be superhuman, I just need Spencer, my best friend, my person,” I explained earnestly, holding her gaze with my own.

It took at least a full minute before I got any response at all, but then Spencer’s eyes sparkled a little strangely, as though she might cry again, but I got the feeling there was something else she wanted to say. Instead, she just hugged me with an intensity that I had never felt from her before, and I couldn’t help but reciprocate. Spencer’s arms were safety to me, even when she was hilariously drunk, I felt safe when she was holding me. Even Paige’s embrace didn’t feel that way, but I pushed that thought from my mind as quickly as it entered and simply reveled in the comfort of being held by my best friend.

“I can’t leave you, Em. What am I going to do if my parents try to send me away?” She asked, her voice trembling with anxiety and the tears tumbling from her eyes once more.

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out, Spence, we always do,” I assured her, moving to kiss her forehead again. It had become a new habit in the last hour or so, a strange one at that, but Spencer didn’t seem to mind, so I tried to rid myself of the guilty feeling the ease of it put in my stomach.

We were silent for some time after that, both lost in thought about what we could actually do if Spencer’s parents tried to send her away. I couldn’t imagine Mr. and Mrs. Hastings doing such a thing, but then again they didn’t have the best track record when it came to taking care of Spencer, and I felt my skin prickle with anger at the thought of how they handled Radley.

Spencer deserved so much better.

I wanted so very badly to simply get up out of Spencer’s bed and hurt someone for hurting my best friend that it scared me, but Spencer’s arms tightened around me suddenly as if sensing my anger, and I couldn’t help but relax back into the embrace.

“Em, can you stay with me tonight? I don’t think I can sleep without knowing you’re here and safe,” Spencer questioned hesitantly after a few more minutes of silence, and I could swear there was a light blush across her cheeks, though it was a little too dark to be certain.

“Of course! Do you want me to text Hanna and Aria, too? Would that help?” I asked quickly, thinking she probably needed to make sure they were safe as well. After the past couple of days, I couldn’t help but worry either, especially about Aria.

“No, it’s okay, I texted them earlier and they’re both home with their families. I think Mike and Aria had a movie night and Hanna was doing something with her mom. I’ll be okay as long as you’re here, I just need my person tonight,” Spencer replied earnestly, and I was pretty sure she was lying about having talked to Aria and Hanna earlier, but I couldn’t really bring myself to care.

So, I just nodded and pulled the blankets out from underneath us, covering both Spencer and myself as I wrapped my arms more securely around her. Spencer’s face resumed its place in the crook of my neck and I felt protected all over again, knowing I was with my person, knowing that we were safe together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's POV

Something was beeping. Loudly.

I tried to roll over and pull my pillow over my ear, but there was something wrapped around my waist, preventing me from doing so. My eyes popped open in alarm, moving to my lower abdomen where a tanned arm encircled my stomach. Following the arm up to its owner, I finally realized that it was Emily who was holding me. I let out a brief sigh of relief before the events from the night before came flooding back into my hazy memory.

Last night had been an absolute mess. Or rather, I had been an absolute mess.

Never before in my life had I made myself more vulnerable to someone than I had been to Emily just hours before, and I felt like the shame was going to eat me alive. After everything that Em had gone through, from losing Alison and Maya to A crashing a car into her house to her Dad’s heart problems, the last thing she needed to worry about was me of all people. I should have been protecting her, not crying and calling her in the middle of the night because I couldn’t handle my own shit. 

“Mmmm, Spence, turn off your alarm, that has to be the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard,” my best friend mumbled adorably before snuggling even further into me and tightening her grip.

“That’s going to be pretty difficult while you’re wrapped around me like a freaking koala, Em,” I chuckled, reaching up to push a strand of hair out of her face as I stared at her expectantly.

“You’re a super genius, you’ll figure something out,” she offered nonchalantly, not loosening her grip even the tiniest bit. I could feel the grin that stretched across her face after she nuzzled into my neck and I suddenly had the urge to shiver. She must have found a ticklish spot or something. 

I did eventually figure out how to turn off my alarm without jostling her too much, and then I just lay there, trying not to think about how embarrassed I was about my break down the night before. No matter what I said last night, I couldn’t cope with laying all of my problems on Emily, and there was certainly no way in hell I was giving up doing everything I could to protect my friends. The pills were one thing, one very bad thing that I needed to beat, but my borderline neuroticism had protected us for a long time, and I didn’t know what would happen to us if I let that go.

“You think too much, Spence. Go back to sleep,” Emily ordered, pulling away just enough that she could look me in the eye. The joking was gone from her voice and she appeared genuinely concerned. All I wanted to do was bring the lightness back to our morning. She had dealt with enough of my darkness the night before.

“We super-geniuses do that a lot, you know? Think, I mean,” I explained with a laugh, grinning at her in an attempt to remove the deadly serious look on her face. 

“I thought we talked about this last night, Spence. You don’t have to be Superwoman for me. You don’t have to try so hard to be okay when I know you’re not,” Em stated in the voice I had come to call authoritative-Em. She didn’t take charge often, but she was serious about it when she did, and I had a hard time not doing exactly as she told me when she used that tone.

Feeling extremely uncomfortable with the direction of our conversation, and unsure I could pull myself out of it if it went much further, I gently extracted myself from my best friend’s arms and sat up against the headboard, my arms crossed in front of my chest defensively. Hurt flashed across Emily’s face as I pulled away from her, and I wanted to cry all over again. If there was one person in the world that I would do absolutely anything to keep from harm, it was the girl lying next to me. 

“Listen, I’m sorry about last night, Em. I was in a really bad place, but I never should have asked you to come over in the middle of the night, and I’m okay now, honestly, I am,” I argued softly, using my best decathlon voice in an attempt to exude infinitely more confidence than I actually felt. 

Unfortunately, that only seemed to make the situation even worse.

Anger replaced the hurt in Emily’s eyes as she pulled herself up next to me. She turned her body to face me, pulling one leg underneath her as she did so, and glared at me meaningfully before she spoke.

“We are not going to fight over this again, Spence. We agreed last night that our friendship meant too much to us to let lies and petty bullshit get in the way, and I am holding you to that. I promise that I will come to you with anything that is bothering me, but you have to swear to do the same. I’m not going to lose my best friend to your stupid pride, do you understand me?”

Her voice was tense and angry, but there were tears in her eyes as well, and I was unsure how to react. There was no way for me to just shut off my pride, I was a Hastings after all, but I wanted so badly to be able to do as she asked. I wanted Emily to come to me with everything that was bothering her, and I wanted to be okay with bringing my problems to her as well, but somehow it just wasn’t as simple as all that.

“Are you going to be angry with me if I say I’ll try?” I asked tentatively, not quite able to look her in the face.

Emily just cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me, as if daring me to continue.

“Just hear me out, okay? I really want to be able to be open with you and share everything, but I’m a Hastings, Emily. In my family, emotions are weakness, and to show them is to make yourself vulnerable. Logically, I understand that that’s not actually true or how the world works at all, but it’s really difficult to act contrary to what you’ve been conditioned to believe all your life. That, and the one time I let myself experience my emotions fully, I literally went crazy and ended up in Radley. I’m so scared that if I let myself be open, that could happen all over again. I don’t know that I could survive that again.”

It had taken a lot for me to be so honest, and all I could do afterward was cry while stubbornly avoiding my best friend’s gaze.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay, look at me Spence,” Emily requested softly, pulling my face up so she could look straight in my eyes while she spoke. “You did not go crazy. You were hurting, Spencer. You thought you lost someone that you loved deeply, and you were in pain. I know that pain, Spence. I’ve felt it, and it was probably only because you refused to leave my side that I didn’t end up in Radley myself. 

And as far as your family and their messed up values go, they can go screw themselves. You are absolutely perfect Spencer, if incredibly stubborn, and it’s their loss if they can’t see or appreciate how wonderful you are as is. I know that you’re not going to magically be able to change into someone bubbly and truthful to a fault, and I don’t want you to. All I’m asking is that you try to be more open and honest with me, just me if that’s all you’re comfortable with, and not let all that stress and desire for perfection bottle up inside you until it explodes like it did last night. Like it did with the pills.”

All I could do was grin as tears continued to roll down my cheeks. Emily pulled me close and hugged me tightly; I could feel the tears she was crying fall on my neck as she nuzzled into it once more, and that only made me cry harder. So we sat there, crying together, and I had never felt so relieved in my life. I had someone who genuinely accepted me for exactly who I was, and I could honestly say that there was not a better feeling in the world. 

“Thank you, Em,” I offered sincerely, pulling away a bit to look at her.

“Anytime. Honestly, Spence,” she returned softly, reaching up to wipe the tears from my cheeks before throwing me a devilish grin. “Now, how about I play the bad influence and convince perfect super genius Spencer Hastings to skip school today so we can get some more sleep?”

Emily just laughed when I raised my eyebrow at her, but I could tell she was serious when she scooted back down under the covers and motioned for me to do the same. Rolling my eyes, I complied with her silent request and moved back under the covers as well, acknowledging to myself that I was too exhausted to deal with classes and high school for the day. The books would keep.

“Ah, well, I guess I’d have to say you convinced the super genius to follow your terrible influence. You can be quite persuasive when you want to be, Ms. Fields,” I added playfully, grinning at her as she moved to place her head on my shoulder and her strong arm fell across my waist once more. 

I felt safe, for the first time in a long time.

“Mmmm, well good, because super-geniuses make superb pillows, Ms. Hastings,” Emily joked lightly, already half asleep with me following not too far behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's POV

Spencer’s trembling was so violent that it actually woke me up, and I was immediately concerned. Moving to the side of the bed so that I wasn’t completely on top of her anymore, I surveyed my friend as she continued to sleep uneasily, noting that she was sweating profusely and seemed to be in pain even in her slumber. Spencer reached out and whimpered unconsciously as I pulled away, and I immediately reached back toward her and stroked her cheek in order to maintain some kind of contact as I tried to come up with the best plan of action.

It was obvious to me that she was starting to suffer from withdrawal symptoms. I had expected as much would happen. However, just because I had anticipated it did not mean I knew how to handle the situation. Not having any experience with anything like what she was suffering, I wondered if it wouldn’t be wise to take her to a doctor.

“Hmmm, Em, I don’t feel so good,” Spencer murmured, sounding like she was in an incredible amount of pain. 

I wanted nothing more than to help her, but I wasn’t sure how.

“I know, Spence. Why don’t we get you into a bath? That might make you feel better?” I inquired, knowing baths always made me feel better when I was ill, and not knowing what else I could possibly offer other than a trip to the hospital, which was definitely still on the table.

It was the best I could come up with.

“Okay,” my best friend agreed, not moving much except to offer me her hand. I assumed that meant I was supposed to help her up and probably into the bathroom. 

Pulling her to sit up, I had to support most of her weight as she struggled to get out of bed and then stand on her own two feet. Spencer leaned on me heavily, and I walked her into the bathroom slowly, not wanting to tire her out anymore than she already was. Initially, I had intended to set up her bath while she undressed, but she was so weak and unsteady that I feared she would topple over if left on her own. 

So I sat her on the edge of the bathtub while I started running the water, keeping an eye on her out of my periphery just in case she started to falter. After plugging the tub and dumping in some of her favorite bath salts, I left the bath to run and moved in front of my best friend to help her.

“Alright, Spence, I’m going to help you out of your pajamas and then get you into the tub, okay?” I asked, placing my hands at the bottom of her sleep shirt and waiting for her nod of approval before helping her take it off.

I felt a little awkward undressing my friend in such a manner, but I just kept reminding myself that Spencer was in no condition to help herself in that moment. So I continued, averting my eyes as much as possible, and I practically lifted her into the bathtub after she slipped trying to manage it on her own. 

Once she was finally settled, I moved to sit on the edge of the tub just behind her, cupping the warm water in my hands and running them through her hair. Spencer finally started to relax into the bath after a few moments, letting out a shaky sigh as she slid further underneath the water. I decided I probably shouldn’t leave her alone; I wasn’t certain she had the physical or mental capacity to keep herself above the water.

“Feeling better?” I asked softly, my hands never leaving her scalp.

“Little bit,” she whispered, reaching up to pull one of my hands to her lips so she could place a gentle kiss on my palm. Goosebumps erupted along my arms, but she let go without seeming to notice and then continued to speak. “Thank you for being here, Em. I know you don’t have to be, but I’m really glad that you are.”

Grinning despite myself, I leaned down to drop a kiss on her newly cool forehead, feeling much more emotional than I wanted to.

“Of course, Spence. I would never let you go through this alone,” I pointed out, moving to run my fingers through her hair once more as I did my best not to cry in front of her.

She was in so much pain, and I hated it.

“I think I’m ready to get out,” my best friend muttered after being in the water for a good half an hour, squirming slightly in the now less than tepid water. “Can you help me? I still feel really weak…”

Without so much as a word, I moved around the tub to help her sit up on the edge. Her teeth were chattering with cold, so I rushed to grab a towel from behind the door and wrapped her snugly inside it before helping her fully out of the bath. We slowly made our way back into Spencer’s room, and I nervously left her on her own to dry off while I found her some new pajamas to put on. Once she was fully dressed, with a little help, I got her back into bed and tucked her in. 

She still looked terrible, but not quite as bad as before, so I allowed myself a small sense of accomplishment. At least she was a little more comfortable than before, even if just temporarily.

“Please stay with me, Em,” Spencer practically begged, grabbing tightly onto my hand as I took a seat on the edge of her bed. 

Even if I hadn’t been planning to do so, the tone of my best friend’s voice would have chained me to her side. I was about to say as much, but I was interrupted.

“Emily can come back later, Spence, but I think it’s a good idea if she goes home for a while and lets you rest,” Mr. Hastings advised from the doorway, scaring the living hell out of me with his sudden and very unannounced appearance.

“I don’t mind staying, Mr. Hastings. I can just do some homework while Spence sleeps,” I responded immediately, intent on staying with Spencer no matter what. She wanted me there, and that was the only thing that mattered to me.

“That’s not necessary, Mrs. Hastings and I will be here if she needs anything. I think it’s about time you went home, Emily,” Mr. Hastings argued, his voice suggesting that he was struggling to be polite. When I shook my head and tried to argue, his restraint disappeared and he interrupted me again. “Now, please, Emily.”

Glaring at him, I stood, but I turned back toward Spencer rather than moving toward the door. My best friend was glaring at her father too, but she brought her eyes to mine when I turned to face her, and I saw defeat in her eyes. That just made me even angrier. Spencer Hastings was never defeated.

“I’ll be okay, Em. Go home, get some work done. I’ll still be here when you come back later,” she urged, throwing daggers at her father but offering me a small smile in spite of how terrible she felt. 

“Okay, but I’ll be back later. Just text or call me if you need me before I get here, I’ll come right over, I promise,” I sighed, leaning down to hug my best friend before sliding my shoes on. 

“Thanks, Em. Love you,” she responded, scooting further under the covers as her eyes drooped with exhaustion. 

“Love you too, super genius,” I replied, dropping a kiss on her forehead before squeezing past Mr. Hastings on my way out.

I threw a glare back in his direction on my way down the hall, but he had already entered Spence’s room, so my anger did not discover an outlet of any kind. Still incredibly pissed off, I hurried down the stairs, waiting until I was outside to pull my phone out and make a call. There was no way I was letting Spencer suffer on her own, and I had absolutely zero faith in the Hastings’ ability to care for their daughter. They had a pretty shitty track record in that department. 

“Toby, it’s Emily,” I stated shortly when my friend picked up. I had no time for pleasantries, and I brushed his aside immediately in order to explain why I was calling. “Yeah, listen, Spence is really struggling right now. I was taking care of her, but Mr. Hastings sent me home. Can you go over and check on her? Try to stay with her until I can come back?”

My anger had me walking more quickly than usual, and I was already on my porch by the time I finished stating my demands. Deciding I didn’t want my mom listening in on that particular conversation, or being scared by it, I sat on the porch swing to talk. 

“Of course! I’ll be right over,” Toby agreed, sounding suitably concerned, which I appreciated. He should have been there from the beginning, but I would settle for him being there now that I couldn’t be. “But what’s going on, Emily? What’s wrong with Spencer?”

I love Toby, but he could be extraordinarily dense sometimes. 

“She’s going through withdrawal, Toby. She’s tired and in pain. At some point, she could get depressed or anxious or worse. I don’t want her to be alone right now, and you know as well as I do that her parents don’t count in this kind of situation,” I bit out, suddenly incredibly frustrated. 

If it had been Toby calling me, I wouldn’t have even bothered to ask questions. Just knowing Spencer needed me would have been enough to get me out the door immediately and at her side as soon as possible. I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from yelling at the poor kid.

“Okay, I’m on my way over now. I’ll text you when I get there, let you know how she’s doing,” Toby agreed, and I was gratified to hear the jingling of keys in the background. 

Thanking him, we said our goodbyes and I set my phone aside with a deep sigh. Intending to cool down before going inside, I started swinging on the porch swing as I dug my fingernails into my palms to release some of the tension, but I stopped in my tracks when I heard someone clear their throat. 

My head snapped up and I found my mom standing just outside the front door, her arms folded tightly across her chest and her foot tapping furiously against the porch. She did not look happy.

“What’s going on, Emily?” She demanded, not moving from her place next to the door, and sending me a glare that kept me rooted securely in place. 

“Mom, I…” I started, about to lie my ass off in an attempt to protect Spencer from any kind of judgment she might face from my mother. She had enough to deal with. 

“Emily Catherine Fields, don’t you dare think about lying to me. I heard your whole conversation with Toby. Now, tell me everything, or I won’t be able to help you,” my mom explained, her voice harsh at first but softening as she continued and took a seat beside me on the swing. 

I couldn’t lie to her when she looked at me like that, not unless it was to protect her from all the A stuff that had been happening lately.

So, I broke down and explained the situation to my mother. I left out everything that had to do with A and attributed the pressure in Spencer’s life to the fact that she hadn’t gotten into UPenn and she was worried about her parents’ expectations. Before I started talking to my mom, I had just been angry, but as soon as I got it all out I found myself on the verge of tears.

“I’m just so worried about her, mom. I know she shouldn’t have taken the pills, but she’s been through so much lately, and I think she deserves some slack. All I want to do is protect her and take care of her. Why won’t Mr. Hastings let me do that?” I queried, the tears finally rolling down my face as I spoke my final words.

My mom stood as soon as I finished and started pacing the front porch. She didn’t look angry, but she did look contemplative, and I hoped beyond hope that meant she wasn’t mad at Spencer or me. Even if she were mad though, even if she forbade me from seeing Spencer, I vowed to myself that she wouldn’t keep me from my best friend. I would weather any punishment to make sure Spencer was okay.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s talk about this inside over a cup of tea,” she responded suddenly, making me do a double-take. 

My mom did not drink tea.

I had expected a massive barrage of words about kids these days and being responsible and probably something along the lines of me not being allowed to see Spencer. Tea, I had not expected. 

So I just nodded, grateful for this positive turn of events, but still a little wary of what might happen next. Mom just led me into the kitchen, sat me down, and put the kettle on to boil. I sat nervously, unable to stop fidgeting as she made two cups of spiced chai tea and eventually placed one in front of me before taking a seat herself.

“So…” I started after she sat down, completely freaked out that she hadn’t said a single word since she offered the tea.

“You know that I adore Spencer, and I want you to know that what you told me doesn’t change that,” my mom began, baffling me even more. “I think that her father is just frightened. What is happening to Spencer is not in his control, something that the Hastings do not deal well with, and the fact that he has no idea how to care for her probably just exacerbates that. Your presence reminds him that a seventeen-year-old young woman can care for his daughter better than he can, and that probably makes him uncomfortable, so he has to take control over something. Sending you home to do your homework was probably the best thing he could think of at the time. 

Now, speaking of Spencer, I want to be clear again. Do I think that she made some pretty stupid decisions when she started and kept taking those pills? Absolutely. But does that change the fact that she is a wonderful person and has been the best friend in the world to you? Absolutely not. I know that Peter and Veronica ride Spencer pretty hard about her grades and getting into a good college, and pretty much just everything in general. Honestly, I’m surprised that Spencer took this long to crack under that pressure cooker of a house. And I am very glad that she has recognized the fact that she has a problem and is working on it. I couldn’t be more proud that she has taken that step to help herself.

And you, my love, you are being an amazing friend by being there for her. Emmy, I know that you want to protect her, and I admire that so much, but you have to remember that this is her struggle. You can help her, but you can’t take on her burdens. So just try to remember that, and remember that you can’t take care of her if you don’t take care of yourself. If you need something, you ask me, no hesitation.”

I practically knocked my mom out of her seat when I hugged her. Her speech really showed me how much she had grown and how far she had come since she responded so badly to my coming out, and I was simultaneously proud of her and grateful to her. Never before in my life had I felt so supported, and I knew that I would never be able to fully express how much I loved her for making me feel so incredibly safe and loved. 

“Thank you, mom. Thank you so much,” I mumbled into her shoulder, hugging her even more tightly than before.

“You’re very welcome, sweetheart,” she responded, squeezing me in return before she continued. “Now I know Spencer probably isn’t feeling up to it right now, but as soon as she’s feeling a little better I want you to have her over. It will just be the three of us and we can make s’mores in the backyard, I know how much she loves them. Hopefully being away from home will help her relax a little bit, and I want her to know that she can come to me if she ever needs anything.”

She just continued to amaze me.

“I will, mom. I promise,” I agreed happily, sitting back in my chair and absolutely beaming at her. 

Mom just chuckled at how happy I looked.

“Good. Now go and get some of your schoolwork done. If I’m going to call you out sick for the next couple of days so you can help Spencer, the least you can do is catch up before going back over there tonight.”

My grin grew even bigger, and I launched forward to hug her again before getting up from the table. 

“You got it! Thanks again, mom, you’re the best! Love you!”

Kissing her on the cheek before I headed to the stairs, I was absolutely ecstatic, and I almost missed the ‘I love you’ she yelled back in my direction. My mind was on the time I would get to spend with my best friend over the next couple of days, and I couldn’t wait to take the good news back to Spencer in just a few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's POV 
> 
> Possible trigger warning: depression

“Spence?” Toby called out, lightly tapping on the door before walking into my room. I just looked up at him through barely cracked eyelids, completely absent of the motivation to respond or even take a vague interest in his presence. “Hey babe, your dad let me in, Em told me you were having a hard time…”

Other than looking at him, I did nothing to acknowledge Toby’s words. He entered the room, and I just sat there, turning my head back to stare out the window, my arms wrapped around my legs and my head an absolute mess. My dad had sent Emily home so I could sleep, but as soon as she left I became anxious. I needed her. I felt lost without her, but I refused to call her and tell her that. She didn’t need to spend all her time taking care of me. She deserved to be out living her life, not holed up with a miserable screw up like me. She deserved better.

“Spencer?” Toby asked, sounding like someone had kicked his dog.

My boyfriend was standing right there next to me, trying to be sweet and supportive, and I couldn’t even bring myself to care. I didn’t really care about anything if I were being honest. Empty, that’s what I had felt for the last couple of hours; like nothing had any meaning in the world anymore. Except Emily. Emily meant everything. 

“What do you want, Toby?” I whispered, just wanting him to go away.

Even as far away as I was in my mind, I knew I would regret saying that normally, but I couldn’t summon the emotion necessary to actually care. I wanted to be miserable alone. 

“I want to be here for you, Spence. To help you. What else?”

He was confused. I felt no sympathy, although I knew I should have.

“I’m okay, Toby, really. I’m sorry Emily dragged you into this. Honestly, I’m just tired, and I’m going to take a nap. You can go home, it’s okay. I’ll call you later, yeah?”

I was trying. I was trying so hard to be pleasant. It was hard though, and I was already getting increasingly anxious the longer he stayed in the room. He needed to leave; I needed him to leave. 

“Spencer, don’t lie to me, I know you’re not okay. This is me, Spence, your boyfriend who loves you. Just tell me what you need. I’m not going to leave you here alone,” he explained with exasperation, moving closer, crowding me, overwhelming me.

He was too close. He was too nice. It was too much.

“Like you were there for me when you found out about the pills, Toby? Huh? You want to stand here and judge me like you did then? Well thanks, but no thanks. I live in the cathedral of judgment here in the Hastings house; I don’t need you preaching it to me too. Go home, Toby. Just go home,” I bit out with effort, more emotionally exhausted with every word that flew out of my mouth. 

Toby just stood there for a moment, his mouth hanging open.

“Please leave. If Emily can’t be here, I just want to be alone.”

The second sentence was not supposed to escape, but there it was, and it was true. Unfortunately, it just gave my boyfriend hope, and I saw his eyes brighten with the intensity of it. He pulled out his phone.

“Then I’ll call her,” he offered excitedly, hitting the send button before I could stop him.

I didn’t want him to bother Emily, but I also couldn’t motivate myself to move enough to grab the phone away from him. So I just stared out the window again, vowing not to move another muscle until I actually felt capable of it.

“Hey, Em. Yeah, yeah don’t worry, everything is okay. Yeah, Spencer is fine, she just misses you. Yeah, whenever you can head back over, I’ll run interference with her dad if necessary. Okay, cool, see you in a few,” he spoke into his phone, looking quite pleased with himself as he glanced towards me. “She’ll be right over, she was grabbing her stuff while we were on the phone.”

He looked so damned proud. I was just fucking annoyed.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I admonished, irritation extremely evident in my voice as I opened my mouth without moving another muscle.

Again, I could see out of my periphery that he looked like a confused puppy. 

“But… you said you wanted Emily here…”

Toby was stuttering; he never stuttered. I must have been even more of an ass than I had imagined, but I couldn’t help myself; I just kept going. 

“I said that if Emily wasn’t here then I wanted to be alone, not that Emily had to be here right now or that I would want you here if Emily was here as well. Damn, Toby, can’t you just…” I started, even more irritated when Melissa showed up unannounced and interrupted me.

“Everything okay in here?” She questioned, poking her head around the doorway, her voice sickly sweet and very obviously false in its cotton candy happiness.

Seeing her, I immediately withdrew again. My eyes found the nothingness in the far distance outside my window. We had suspected Melissa of a lot since the A thing started, and I could not handle both her and my own failures regarding the pill debacle. It was almost certain that she was there to throw my imperfections back in my face; to highlight yet again why mom and dad loved her more. I had to protect myself.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, thanks, Melissa,” Toby finally answered after I had been silent for at least three minutes, obviously uncomfortable with the lack of response.

“Just checking. I’ll be downstairs if you guys need anything,” my sister offered, her tone sounding almost genuine, which made me even tenser.

I didn’t know what her game was, but I refused to play.

Toby thanked her, and I heard her move down the stairs, grateful that she was finally gone. Still, I felt crowded. I wished Toby would just go home; I didn’t want to hurt him more, but I wanted him gone. Instead, he moved closer. Five minutes before I would have pulled him apart limb from limb with my words for encroaching on my space, but I couldn’t find the energy anymore.

“Spencer, I’m sorry if I upset you. Please, just tell me what I can do to help you,” my boyfriend begged from behind me.

I couldn’t even respond. I didn’t know how.

“Spence, please, talk to me.”

He sounded close to tears.

Normally, just knowing he was upset would make me cry, but there were no tears at that moment for me. In fact, there was no response at all. I couldn’t even bring myself to face him; I just stared out the window, not actually seeing anything.

We sat there in silence: me unable to speak, Toby not knowing what to say.

“Spencer? Toby?” Emily called from down the hallway, her footsteps coming quickly toward my room. 

Melissa must have let her in.

The smallest flutter of feeling sparked in me when I heard my best friend’s voice, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. I still didn’t react. Toby sighed deeply, and I heard him turn and walk toward the hall. I continued to stare off into space.

“Hey, Toby,” Em greeted pleasantly, obviously having met my boyfriend in the doorway.

“Hey, Emily,” he responded sadly. “Listen, you’re here now, so I’ll just head out. I’ll see you later. Bye Spence.”

His footsteps started to retreat into the hallway, but they stopped abruptly.

“Wait, Toby, where are you going? Spencer needs us right now, you can’t just leave,” my best friend admonished, her voice on the verge of hostile. 

“She doesn’t want me here, Em. She only wants you. We’re all better off if I just leave now. I’ll come back if Spencer wants me to, but I’m not going to stay here when I’m just making her more unhappy than she already is,” he whispered sullenly, probably hoping I couldn’t hear him. 

“Toby, she’s struggling right now, she’s going through withdrawal for god’s sake. I was doing some research earlier, and it said she’ll most likely be depressed and irritable, anxious, or even worse. Of course she’s going to try to push you away, but if you let her then you’re just going to validate all of the doubts she’s having about herself right now. You can’t just walk away because things are a little rough,” my best friend lectured, trying to keep her voice down but not really succeeding at all. 

Emily sounded like she wanted to deck him. I still didn’t move.

“I can’t do this, Em. I’m sorry.”

Quick footsteps led out into the hallway and down the stairs, and I knew that Toby was finally gone. Somehow I wasn’t as relieved at that thought as I imagined I would be though. All I could think about was what he had gone through with his mom. I hadn’t known it was possible, but I felt even emptier than before.

My best friend sighed deeply and I heard a loud thunk. I’m fairly certain she kicked the doorframe. Still, I didn’t turn. Maybe Emily would do the smart thing and walk away from me too. I wasn’t worth the trouble.

“Hey super genius, how you doing?” Em inquired softly, approaching me carefully and making sure I could see her movements as she placed a hand gently on my shoulder.

Lethargy and ambivalence still filled me, and I couldn’t find the strength to reply to even that simple of a question. Then again, it wasn’t all that simple for me. Regardless, I managed to lean into her touch, just the tiniest bit, to let her know I heard her. The part of me that wanted to protect Emily, to get her as far away as possible, fought valiantly but lost out in the end. It would seem that the part of me that craved and needed her presence was infinitely stronger.

“It’s okay, love, you don’t have to say anything. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. Just let me get things situated and I’ll just be here with you. We won’t have to do anything at all that you don’t want to,” Emily pointed out, leaning down to place a kiss on my forehead before retreating from my vision once more.

There was a lot of shuffling and the sound of moving objects after that, and I was fairly certain that my best friend went out into the hallway more than once. The same sounds continued for quite some time, and I was slowly being lulled into a sense of security by the repetitiveness of it all. Of course, my peace couldn’t last though, as a heavy tread interrupted the rhythm and shattered my newly created safe space. It was definitely my father, and I was suddenly terrified that he would send Emily home again. He couldn’t do that to me. I needed her.

“You’re back already?” Dad demanded right after the light patter of Em’s footsteps came to a halt. He sounded angry. 

“Yes, sir,” Emily responded, obviously trying really hard to be polite. “Toby called and told me that Spencer was asking for me, so I came right over. I’ll always come when she needs me, Mr. Hastings.”

Her last statement was made with such conviction that I could actually feel it reverberate in my bones. She was being defiant even as she sounded so proper, and I would have smiled had I not felt so far away. People always described my best friend as sweet and shy, but this was who she truly was: strong, protective, and loyal to a fault.

Dad just sighed exasperatedly before responding. He had never been a fan of idealists.

“And I appreciate that Emily, I do. But if you’re here all the time she’s going to become dependent on you, and that’s just going to make it more difficult when she goes to the rehab center in a couple of days,” he explained slowly, as if he thought Em wouldn’t understand what he was trying to say unless he spelled it out for her.

I wanted to stand up for my friend, but his words sent another chill through me, and I found myself frozen to the spot. I couldn’t even move, let alone yell at my father.

“You want to send her away? You actually think that her being alone, surrounded by strangers who will probably judge her is the best thing for your daughter right now?” Emily started, speaking more harshly than I had ever heard her before. Dad was spluttering, trying to respond, but Em cut him off. “Do you have any idea what kind of toll Radley took on her? How could you possibly think that sending her to another institution would help? She needs to be surrounded by people that love and support her right now, people who would do anything in the world for her, like me. She needs me right now.”

Emily whispered the last statement, so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it, and my stomach fluttered with the cadence of her words.

“Emily’s right, Dad. You can’t send Spence away, she needs to be here, she needs her friends,” Melissa’s voice filtered in from further down the hall, making me jump a little.

I had not heard her approach, I hadn’t even heard her footsteps on the stairs, and that made me wonder just how long she had been eavesdropping on us all.

“I’ll speak to your mother about this later, this discussion is over,” Dad grumbled unhappily, speaking only to Melissa and then stomping down the stairs really loudly. I heard the front door slam a couple of minutes later.

“Thank you, Melissa,” my best friend offered, still sounding as if she were standing in the doorway of my room, protectively. Obviously, she was not alone.

“You don’t need to thank me, Em. Just take care of her, and let me know if I can do anything to help. I’ll be home as much as possible, just in case,” my sister replied, no guile in her voice whatsoever. 

Her recent genuineness perplexed me. Footsteps receded down the stairs once again without another word spoken, and I hoped it was Melissa that had left. I needed Emily at that moment more than ever. 

“Sorry about that, Spence,” Em apologized, as though she were at fault for what had happened. She was kneeling beside me again, and she continued when I neglected to reply. “I made a pillow and blanket fort next to your bed. Do you want to come sit in there? I’ll stay with you if you want, and no one will be able to bother you…”

She seemed hesitant, obviously unsure whether or not she had done the right thing. I wanted to throw myself at her and hug her forever, but it took almost all of my strength just to nod my head and turn towards her a bit. Emily’s eyes lit up with happiness at even that small movement though, and she immediately helped me to stand and move into the enormous fort she had built. 

I was suddenly immensely grateful for the fact that my family owned so many linens. 

Settling into the center of the fort, I felt warm and safe. Em moved in to sit next to me, and I immediately curled into her. She laid us both back into the mountain of pillows behind us, and I felt just a little less empty and overwhelmed. I was finally in a place where I could fall asleep; my eyes drooped quickly.

“I promise that I won’t let him send you away, Spence. I won’t let anything happen that you’re uncomfortable with. I’ll be right here with you the whole way; I won’t leave your side for a second. Nothing will come between us. I love you, Spence. I love you so much,” Emily whispered, probably thinking I had already fallen asleep. 

There was nothing I wanted more at that moment than to thank her and tell her I felt the same, but I still couldn’t do it. So I just snuggled a little further into my best friend’s side as my stomach fluttered once more, and swore to myself that I would tell her all the things I had bottled up inside as soon as I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's POV
> 
> Possible trigger warning: depression

When I woke up, I felt cold. Opening my eyes, I realized Spencer was no longer by my side, and I freaked. Sitting straight up in bed, I quickly looked around the room, but she was nowhere to be found. Immediately fearing something terrible had happened, I jumped out of Spencer’s bed and ran first to the bathroom, hoping I would find her brushing her teeth or something equally inane and innocuous; something simple, because she deserved simple as she did everything in her power to recover.

Thankfully, the first place I looked was where I found her. Only she wasn’t brushing her teeth. Spencer was standing at her bathroom counter, staring into her mirror unblinkingly and looking so sad and forlorn that I wanted to break down into tears right there. She hadn’t noticed my presence in the doorway, so I knocked gently on the open door, hoping not to startle her too much by entering her space unexpectedly. My best friend barely flinched at the sound, and she made no move to turn towards me.

“Why do you insist on taking care of me, Em? You have to know that I don’t deserve it; that I don’t deserve your friendship. So why do you stick around when you would be so much better off if you just left?” Spencer questioned quietly, her voice completely devoid of emotion. 

I didn’t even try to keep the tears from escaping after that.

“Spence, don’t say that. You deserve all that is light and good in this world. I am lucky to be able to call you my friend,” I contended gently, moving to embrace her and pull her away from the mirror that seemed to hold her captive.

“No, I don’t, Em. I deserve pain and darkness. Everyone would be better off without me,” she argued, her voice still empty as she hung in my arms, not making any movement to return my embrace.

I started to cry harder. 

“Please, please don’t talk like that. I don’t know what I would do without you, Spencer. You’re my best friend, and I wouldn’t survive losing you. I can’t handle the idea of you leaving me, Spence. Please, please don’t leave me. Please stay with me. Please, I need you. We can get through this together, sweetheart. I promise. Just please, don’t talk about being apart from me, don’t leave me. I love you, Spence, please,” I begged, unable to hold back the sobs that had threatened to overwhelm me since I woke up without her by my side.

Finally, Spencer wrapped her arms around me as I burrowed further into her. Still, she didn’t hold me as tightly as she usually did, and that plus her silence absolutely terrified me. 

When I was finally able to get myself under control, I pulled away from her, and she took a moment to very gently wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks. Smiling at the unexpected and loving gesture, I grabbed her hands and pulled her back into her bedroom, pushing her gently to get back in bed. She obeyed wordlessly, laying under the covers with her back to me and patting the space behind her. Quick to act on her wordless request, I slid into bed as well, pulling her body tightly to my own as I held onto her for dear life. 

There was no way I would fall asleep again, but I hoped she would.

“Go back to sleep, Spence. I’ll stay with you; I’ll keep you safe and remind you how deserving you are whenever you need me to, and even when you don’t. I won’t leave your side, I promise, even if you try to push me away. I love you, Spencer. Please don’t forget that,” I whispered, snuggling closer to my best friend, intent on never letting her go.

Spencer didn’t reply, but she leaned back into me, and that was enough to tell me that she heard me. I smiled softly into her hair as I tightened my hold around her waist. It was certain to be a long night, but I was content as long as Spencer stayed in my arms.

\--Spemily--

We had been awake for hours, having risen in the early afternoon, and yet we were still alone in the house. The Hastings and Melissa had been nowhere to be seen all day, and I both resented their absence and was grateful for it. I hated the fact that Spencer’s family was not there for her when she was struggling, but I didn’t want to deal with Mr. Hastings, not when he seemed so adamant about pawning his daughter off on strangers rather than care for her himself. 

Sitting at the kitchen island, I held my best friend’s hand in my own as I ate the omelet I had made a few minutes prior. Spencer was not too keen on eating, but she took a bite every now and then with encouragement. She had been fairly despondent since awaking, but she seemed much better than she had when we woke in the middle of the night. I had even managed to pull a brief conversation out of her when I was trying to figure out what we should have for breakfast.

“You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Em,” Spencer offered, bringing the hand she held captive to her lips and pressing a soft kiss to the back of it. 

I shivered a bit at the contact and had to forcibly quell the butterflies in my stomach. My feelings around Spencer were beginning to confuse me, but I refused to allow myself to dwell on them long. I knew from experience that feelings only ever complicated friendships, not in a good way, and I needed everything to be as simple as possible if I wanted to protect and take care of my best friend when she needed me most. 

Thankfully, I was saved from thinking too much more by my phone ringing. Reaching into my pocket with the hand Spencer had not entrapped in her own, I pulled out my phone and saw that my mom was calling. Throwing an apologetic glance my best friend’s way, I put the phone up to my ear.

“Hey, Mom, what’s up?” I answered, feeling bad I hadn’t given her an update in over twenty-four hours.

“Hi honey, I was just checking in. How are you girls doing? So you need anything?” My mom asked brightly, obviously trying her best not to sound worried. 

“We’re doing okay, just had an omelet and we’re probably just going to marathon Orphan Black or something after I clean up. The Hastings haven’t been here all day, so we’ve kind of taken over the house,” I explained, smiling at Spencer to let her know that everything was okay.

She had looked concerned, probably afraid I was going to have to leave, but she managed a small grin in reply to my words. I felt positively giddy.

“They haven’t been there at all?” My mom demanded, sounding absolutely incensed. “That’s it, I’m coming over. I know you can do this, Emmy, but I don’t want you to have to do it on your own. I’ll speak to Peter and Veronica whenever they get there. I’ll be over in a few minutes; I’m bringing cobbler.”

With that, she hung up. I just stared at my phone for a good couple of minutes, my mouth hanging open.

“Em?” Spence questioned, sounding worried.

Finally, I managed to pull my eyes away from the device in my hand long enough to look at my friend. 

“My mom will be here in a few minutes,” I offered slowly, only really comprehending my own words as they escaped my mouth.

Spencer pursed her lips, not looking all that pleased.

“So I’m guessing Orange Is The New Black is out for the marathon then?” She joked, looking upset for about half a second before she broke out into a small but very genuine grin.

My heart soared to see that smile, and I returned it quickly, ecstatic that she was joking with me again. It had only been a matter of days, but it felt like an eternity had passed since I last experienced Spencer’s dry, sarcastic humor. I hadn’t even realized I had missed that particular part of my friend until that moment. 

“Yeah, somehow I don’t think my mom would appreciate walking in and seeing that,” I laughed, smiling brightly at her. There was a knock on the front door. “Jesus, what did she do, sprint over here?”

I got to my feet, hugged Spencer tightly, placed a kiss on her forehead, and then moved to answer the door. Pulling it open, I found my mother on the other side, a huge smile taking over her face as soon as she laid eyes on me. Almost immediately, I was enveloped in a huge hug. I had not known just how badly I needed a hug from my mom until I was wrapped up by her small frame. Squeezing her tightly in return, I reveled in how safe I felt. I knew Spencer and I were better off with my mom around. 

“Listen, Emmy, I know Spencer probably doesn’t want a lot of people around right now, but I couldn’t leave you girls alone, not when she’s struggling,” my mom apologized, letting me go and following me into the house, her arm staying looped through my own. 

“It’s okay, Mrs. Fields, I appreciate you coming to check up on me,” Spencer offered from the kitchen doorway, moving to hug my mother as soon as she came close enough. “Plus, I always want people around who bring me peach cobbler. Especially yours.”

I stood back and watched as my best friend and my mom chatted lightly, the former obviously working hard against the depression that still weighed her down. They interacted easily though, as they always had, and my heart felt lighter at the sight of them smiling and laughing together. Spencer got bowls down from the cabinets for the cobbler, grabbing ice cream from the freezer before coaxing my mom to sit down and serving her a bowl. Mom took the instructions better than I ever would have imagined and waited to reach out for my best friend’s hands until Spencer had placed a bowl before her. 

“You are a strong young woman, Spencer, and one of the bravest people I have ever had the honor of knowing. I want you to know that I am here for you if you need anything, absolutely anything. You and Emmy are lucky to have one another, but you are both so young still, and sometimes you need someone to look out for you,” my mom stated sincerely, hugging Spencer tightly to her once she finished her speech. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Fields. You have no idea how much that means to me,” Spencer replied, tears slowly escaping her eyes as she hugged my mom in return. “And thank you for letting Emily stay with me. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her.”

My best friend was gazing at me softly as she finished speaking, having pulled away from my mom to look at me. My mother looked back and forth between us before offering us both a small, knowing smile. I would have to ask her later what it was exactly that she thought she knew because I was confused as hell.

“Spencer? Are you home?” Mrs. Hastings called from the foyer, the door closing loudly behind her and her heels clicking annoyingly across the wood floor toward the kitchen. “Oh, Pam, hello. Peter told me Emily had spent the night, but I didn’t know we were expecting you as well…”

Mrs. Hastings looked baffled, but she smiled at my mom anyways, moving to hug her daughter in the meantime. My best friend returned her mother’s embrace, but her smile had fled, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed the change in her demeanor. 

“Hello Veronica, yes, I actually came by to check on the girls, but I would like to speak with you as well. Could we maybe step into the study?” My mom inquired politely, standing and waiting for Mrs. Hastings to respond. 

Spencer’s mother gestured for mine to go ahead of her, and the two of them disappeared into the study, closing the door firmly behind them. I wanted to follow, to hear what their conversation was about, but Spencer was moving in the opposite direction, and there was no way I was leaving her alone. So I followed her as she walked up the stairs and into her room, closing the door behind me when I caught the pensive look on her face. 

“What’s up, Spence?” I questioned, moving to stand in front of her, my hands automatically reaching out for hers as they had become so accustomed to doing over the previous few days.

“Am I asking too much of you, Em? Are you doing okay with all of this?” She inquired, still far inside her own head, her eyes distant and suddenly sadder than they had been all morning. 

I tightened my grip on her hands.

“I promise you, Spence, I am okay. I would tell you if I weren’t. I know you worry about me, but I can take care of you and myself at the same time,” I pointed out, mildly frustrated with how often that particular topic kept coming up.

She was quiet for a moment, and she looked like she was having some kind of inner debate. Somehow I was certain that I was not going to like what she was about to say next.

“It’s just, that’s never how it worked with Ali, it still isn’t really. You always took care of her, even when it hurt you…”

Her voice was hesitant, almost like she didn’t want to say the words even as they escaped her mouth, but they were there nonetheless, and we were going to have to address them. Otherwise, I was certain they would hang between us forever; a new wall among the rubble left over from years of heartache. 

“That’s not fair, Spence. Not to mention, it’s ancient history. I learned my lesson,” I started, trying to keep my voice from trembling with how hard her words hit me. “But if you’re intent on bringing that up, I should remind you that you didn’t protect me when it came to Ali either. You can’t judge me and not acknowledge your own part in that situation.”

Spencer finally met my eyes, and she looked like she was about to break down. 

“I know, Em, and I’m so sorry. That’s why I have to protect you now. I was a terrible friend, I know that, but Em, I had no idea that you… That she… That you were…” She stumbled, unable to continue as she choked on her own words.

“That I was in love with her?”

Why she had struggled so much to get those words out was unclear to me, but I offered them as a gesture of peace without asking for an explanation. I did not want to argue with Spencer over Ali. I didn’t want to argue with Spencer at all; I wasn’t even sure why we were talking about all of that nonsense in the first place. 

She nodded, taking a deep breath before answering. 

“Yeah. I had no idea how much she was messing with you, that she was teasing you and letting you kiss her just to screw with your head. I swear, Emily, if I had known that she was torturing you like that, that she was putting you through hell like that…”

Tears gathered in my eyes when she broke into sobs, and I couldn’t stop myself even if I was a little upset with her, I just pulled her into me, embracing her tightly and trying my best to quiet her. It took me at least five minutes of cooing and shushing and whispering reassurances for her to stop crying long enough that I felt I could talk to her. I needed to diffuse the situation. My presence was supposed to calm her, help her heal, not make things worse for her.

“If you had known, you would have done what, Spence? Destroyed her?” I asked with a small chuckle, placing my hands gently on her cheeks so I could pull her face up to be level with mine. 

My intention was to lighten the mood with a silly inside joke, but Spencer still looked completely serious. 

“I would have. If I had known what was happening, that she was hurting you so badly, I would have put an end to it, Em. Whatever it took,” she explained, staring me directly in the eye so intently that I had to break our gaze momentarily. 

I had to take a deep breath to steady myself. 

“And I know that, I love you for it, but I’m not that person anymore. You wanted to protect me because I was vulnerable, but that’s not the case now. Right now, you’re the one who is vulnerable, as much as you don’t want to admit it. So please, for this moment, don’t worry about me, just let me protect you,” I argued gently, running my right hand from her cheek up to stroke softly through her hair. 

Spencer nodded, and I prayed that would be the last time we would have that argument. My best friend and I were great at arguing, it was a special talent of ours, especially when it came to protecting one another, but Spencer did not need to be arguing while she was trying to heal. She needed to be calm, and I was going to do everything in my power to keep her that way.

I was lost for a long moment, taking in Spencer’s exhausted face as I tried to figure out how to keep things like that from happening again, and I didn’t notice what was happening at first. It wasn’t until my hand slipped further into her hair that I realized my best friend was moving closer to me. Even with that knowledge and my sudden understanding of the intensity of her gaze, I could not move away. I was mesmerized. I didn’t want to turn away, even though I knew I should. I knew I couldn’t let it happen. 

It took our noses lightly brushing together to shock me into action.

“Spence…” I whispered, not pulling away but halting her forward motion regardless. 

She was still staring directly into my eyes, making my stomach absolutely explode with butterflies, and she looked like she was about to speak, but she was interrupted by a sudden knock on the door. 

We jumped apart so fast it was as though we had been struck by lightning. 

“Hey, girls, sorry, the door was open and I didn’t realize… I’ll just come back in a little while…” my mom sputtered, turning on her heel swiftly and marching back down the hall to the stairs. 

Spencer and I just stared at each other. It took a full five minutes for me to break the silence.

“What the hell just happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's POV

“Emily… I…” I started, stepping toward her, suddenly terrified of how she was going to react to what had almost just happened between us before her mom interrupted. 

I had almost kissed her. I had almost kissed my best friend. 

It wasn’t as if my actions were completely out of the blue, at least for me. Looking back, I recognized that my feelings for Emily had been growing steadily over time, pretty much since she faced off with Paige for the captaincy of the swim team. It took A threatening her life twice for me to realize I might care about her more than I had initially anticipated, and it wasn’t until I almost lost her in Ravenswood that I accepted the fact that I might be at least a little in love with her, but it hadn’t been until the past few days that I realized I legitimately could not live without her. I didn’t want to live without her. 

“Don’t worry about it, Spence,” she contended before I could continue, her voice shaky as she fidgeted restlessly, taking a step toward the door. “I should go after her though…”

Emily made as if to follow her mom down the hallway, but I reached a hand out to stop her. I was the one who had created the mess we found ourselves in, and I was determined to be the one to clean it up. 

“No, I’ll go. This is my fault, I’ll explain everything to her,” I argued, stepping past my best friend before she could protest, and following the same path Mrs. Fields had used to flee only seconds before. 

She called out to me, but I just kept going. I knew that I couldn’t handle seeing Emily walk away from me, not right after I made myself so vulnerable to her. In fact, I was fairly certain seeing her turn her back on me would have just about killed me. So, instead, I turned my back on her. It really was not much easier. 

Trying to imagine where Mrs. Fields may have gone, I made my way toward the kitchen, hoping she hadn’t simply left the house altogether. Thankfully, I found her in the front hall speaking with my mom as she prepared to leave. Suddenly, I was terrified of what they might be talking about. I could not even imagine how my mom would react to my abruptly not being entirely straight. 

“Can we talk, Mrs. Fields?” I inquired politely, receiving a confused look from my mother while Emily’s mom resembled a deer in headlights. “I can walk back to your house with you if you need to leave right away…”

I was desperate, and I think that was very obvious in my voice. Mrs. Fields took pity on me. 

“Of course, Spencer. I do need to head home though, so why don’t you walk with me?”

She said goodbye to my mom before motioning for me to follow her outside, which I did quickly. 

“Listen, Mrs. Fields, I …” I started once we reached the sidewalk, intent on explaining myself, but she cut me off almost immediately after I opened my mouth. 

“I’m not upset with you, I hope you know that, Spencer. I know I don’t have the best track record; I was downright terrible when Emily came out, but I got over myself. You girls don’t have to hide from me, I swear to you that I am okay with you two being together. I’m not going to judge you,” Emily’s mom explained earnestly, almost begging me to understand how sincere she was. 

“Thank you,” I offered genuinely, smiling sadly as my heart panged with the loss of something I never had in the first place. “I really do appreciate your support, but Em and I are not together…”

Mrs. Fields glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and pursed her lips tightly, obviously unconvinced. 

“You cannot try to tell me that the two of you were not about to kiss when I walked into that room, Spencer. I’m not blind, my dear, and I was not born yesterday.”

Had the situation not been so tense, I probably would have laughed. Mrs. Fields was such a typical mom sometimes. 

“I wouldn’t try to lie to you, Mrs. Fields, believe me. I know what you saw. That was not the two of us about to kiss,” I offered, quickly continuing when she snorted in disbelief. “That was me having almost kissed Emily, and her stopping me just as you were entering the room. I was the one who stepped out of line, not her.”

My cheeks burned with embarrassment and my head hung heavily as I stared at the ground beneath my feet. That was the closest I had ever come to admitting my feelings for Emily, and the truth did nothing but increase my anxiety a thousandfold. The anxiety plus my weakness caused by the withdrawal was a little too much for me to take, and I started to sweat and shake, beyond grateful when we turned up the walk to the Fields’ house. 

“Oh, sweetheart, you’re shaking! Come on, let’s get you in a chair and we’ll talk some more while I make you some tea. You should have told me you still weren’t feeling well!”

Usually being scolded would not have comforted me, quite the opposite, but it was so typical of Mrs. Fields that it did make me feel a little better. She was still acting normally around me, so at least I knew she didn’t think any less of me after my confession. I should have known she wouldn’t. 

As soon as we entered the house, she was ushering me into a chair in the living room, encouraging me to take my shoes off while she went to put the kettle on in the kitchen. I slouched down into the overstuffed chair with a sigh, absolutely exhausted, and I’m fairly certain I fell asleep for a few minutes. The next thing I knew, Emily’s mom was placing a steaming cup of tea down on the coffee table in front of me and taking a seat in the chair next to mine. 

“So, talk to me. What is going on and why is it stressing you out so badly?” She inquired gently, holding her tea with one hand while reaching out to grasp my forearm with the other. 

The woman looked so kind and ready to help that there was no way I could resist talking to her. So, I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what lay ahead emotionally. At the very least, I knew it was not going to be easy. 

“I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I just wasn’t thinking. She was being so sweet, as always, and I just couldn’t help myself any longer. Now she’s upset with me, and how could I blame her. What I did was way out of line… Do you think she’ll ever be able to forgive me? I don’t know what I would do without her…”

Emily’s mom just looked at me like I was crazy for a moment, and I shrunk even further into myself than before. 

“You and Emily have fought over a lot of things in the past, Spencer, and you always make up in the end. You care too much about each other to let some silly fight get between you, and Emmy is probably the most forgiving person I have ever encountered in my forty plus years of life. So I have no doubt that she would forgive you just about anything, if there’s even anything to forgive in this instant,” she stated definitively, reaching forward to grasp my still trembling hands in her confident ones. “But what I’m most curious about, and this may be my being a little too intrusive but I’m a mother so that’s my prerogative, is why you were about to kiss her in the first place. You said that you couldn’t help yourself any longer, does that mean you have feelings for her that you’ve kept hidden until now?”

The look on her face was not judging, just genuinely curious and concerned, and I knew I was going to be honest with her despite my many fears. I needed to talk to someone about all of this nonsense. Not talking about the things going on with me was what led to the pill debacle in the first place, and I could not afford to have something like that happen again. Not ever. 

“Do you remember when Emily was competing with Paige to be captain of the swim team?” I asked, deciding to start at the beginning. When Mrs. Fields nodded, I continued. “She didn’t think she would get it from the start, she thought Paige wanted it more, or at least that’s what she told herself. You know Em, she’s always trying to help others and she barely ever thinks about herself and what she wants. But, me being me, I knew as an athlete that Em really wanted that spot, that she had been working her ass off for it, and I told her that. It took a little convincing, but eventually, she accepted that that was true and that it was okay for her to want something so badly for herself. 

You should have seen her at that moment, Mrs. Fields. All of a sudden there was this determination is her eyes, this fire that I had never seen before, and I was awestruck. I had always known she had that somewhere deep inside her, that she was more than capable of being so passionate about something, but to actually see it was something entirely different, something strikingly beautiful. Everyone knows how kind and compassionate and good Emily is, but not many people understand how strong and brave she is at the same time. At that moment, I got to witness all of her, and I think that’s the moment that I started to fall for her, though I didn’t really realize it at first.”

I had to stop for a moment as I felt myself choking up, and I took the chance to look up at Mrs. Fields to see her reaction. She had tears in her eyes. As soon as our gazes met, she grasped my hands even more tightly than before and gave me a watery smile that was so genuine I couldn’t help offering her a small smile of my own in return. 

“Spencer, I don’t think I have ever heard someone speak as beautifully about my little girl as you just have, or understand her as well as you obviously do,” Mrs. Fields said shakily, letting out a slow breath before she continued. “But that happened quite some time ago, have you talked to Emily about any of this since then?”

Reacting immediately, I shook my head vigorously. Emily was the brave one with emotions, not me. 

“No. Like I said, I didn’t realize my feelings immediately, and then Toby and Paige were in the picture, and when I did finally realize just how much I cared for her, that I might actually be in love with her, she was in a committed, happy relationship, and I would never do anything to stand in the way of her happiness.”

I couldn’t look at Emily’s mom after spouting so many half-truths. Admitting to my own cowardice was more than I could handle in one conversation, and I did not want Mrs. Fields to think less of me than she probably already did. 

“So, what does that mean for you and Toby? Is anything different now that Emily and Paige are on the outs?” She inquired gently, trying to catch my eye again as I stared avidly at the ground in front of me. 

“We’ve been together for a long time, and we’ve been through a lot together. I love Toby, I do, but these feelings I have for Emily are making me question whether or not I love him the way a romantic partner should. But to be honest, I’m not even sure it would matter, my being with Toby and/or Emily being with Paige. Em is the bravest person I have ever met when it comes to sharing her feelings and going after the people that she wants; I can’t imagine that she could have feelings for me and never have talked to me about them. And after what happened today, I’m even more certain that my feelings for her are entirely unrequited.”

Tears were streaming out of my eyes by the end of my speech, and I curled into myself as I felt my heart physically ache at the thought of Emily never returning my feelings. Mrs. Fields quickly got up from her chair and moved into the space right in front of me, enveloping me in an enormous hug. 

“Oh honey, shhh, everything is going to be okay,” she cooed, running her fingers through my hair just as Emily had so many times before, and hugging me tightly to her. “Shhh, I honestly don’t know if Emily returns your feelings, Spencer, but I do know that she cares for you deeply. You are the most important person in her life outside of her father and me, and nothing is going to change that for her. Listen, I know it’s scary, but I really do think you need to talk to her about all of this. You know that she would never judge you or ask you to change your heart, so even if she doesn’t love you the way you want her to, you can rest assured that you won’t ever lose her because of the way you feel about her.”

Shaking my head, I couldn’t stop myself from crying even as I spoke. 

“I don’t know if I could take that kind of rejection. I’m a coward, Mrs. Fields. I’m too scared of losing her to ever take a chance like that…”

She shushed me, and I could hear the admonishment in her tone even without any words. 

“Spencer Hastings don’t you ever say something like that again. Cowardice is not being afraid, cowardice would be never acknowledging or overcoming your fears. What you’re doing right now, talking to me about this honestly and openly, a coward could not do that. Almost kissing Emily earlier even though you had obviously already thought extensively about the possible consequences, which is not something a coward could have done either. Believe me, my dear, you are anything but a coward, and that’s why I know you’ll go home and talk to Emily, because I know that, if nothing else, you will be brave for her no matter how scared you are.”

Mrs. Fields’ faith in me was staggering, and I wanted so badly to do her proud, but I wasn’t sure I had it in me to be brave anymore. After everything we all had been through with A, everything that we were still going through, I felt like any bravery I had had simply ran out long ago. Radley took a lot of it, and I was pretty sure the pills had taken whatever was left. Emily’s mom was right though, if there was anyone I would try to pull that last scrap of bravery out of thin air for it was Em, and I knew there was no way I could repair our friendship without it. I had to be honest because otherwise I ran the risk of losing Emily forever. That was not an option. 

“I’ll try Mrs. Fields, I promise,” I whispered, tears still leaking from my eyes but no longer sobbing violently. “For Emily.”

“I know you will, Spencer. I know.”

\--Spemily--

The walk back to my house was excruciatingly long. Mrs. Fields had offered me more tea once my crying jag was over, but I politely declined, knowing I had left my best friend alone for too long already. The lord only knew what my mother had found to talk to her about, and Emily was probably worried that something had happened to me since I had been gone so long. I would have texted her to let her know I was okay, but I had left my phone in my room in my haste to catch up with Mrs. Fields.

Standing at the front door for a moment, I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what was to come. Finally, I just forced myself to push the door open, knowing my fear would keep me standing outside forever if I let it. Walking carefully through the house, I was a little freaked out by how quiet it was. There was no one downstairs, so I made my way up to the second floor, hoping my mom hadn’t cornered Emily with some absurdly awkward conversation about grades or college or something. It seemed that might be the case when I heard voices coming from my room, but the words that were spoken made me stop in my tracks, listening hard to try and understand just exactly what was going on. 

“I’m sure Spencer is fine, Emily. She is with your mother after all,” my mom comforted, sounding a little frustrated, as if this was not the first time she had said those words. 

“I know, I’m sorry, Mrs. Hastings. I know she’s probably fine, you’re probably getting tired of me going on an on… She just rushed out though, and she’s been really weak recently, and…” Emily apologized, sounding choked up, almost as if she was crying. She took a deep breath. “I’m doing it again. I’ll stop now, I promise.”

“You don’t have to apologize for being worried, Emily. I’m worried too. But there’s nothing we can do right now, we just have to wait for her to come back to us. Your mom won’t let anything happen to her. I’m sure they’re just talking. Spencer probably feels more comfortable with your mother than she does with me right now, and I can’t blame her. I haven’t exactly done anything to earn her confidence of late, but I’m going to do whatever I can to change that…”

My mom sounded so sad, and I hated that, but she wasn’t wrong. She had been absent a lot recently, leaving my dad and his heavy-handed ways in charge. It gave me hope that she sounded so contrite about it though; maybe that meant we could get back to how close we once were at some point in the future. It would take time though, and I knew I would have to be patient if I wanted to get back there. 

“I think if you show her that you’re there for her, that you want to spend time with her and take care of her, the two of you will be close again in a heartbeat. Spencer loves you, and she has always had the utmost respect and admiration for you. I just think she struggles sometimes because she’s worried she isn’t living up to your expectations, that she doesn’t quite measure up to how ‘perfect’ Melissa is in your eyes. If you show her that you love her exactly the way she is, that she’s more than enough, you guys will be fine,” Emily advised hesitantly, and I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. 

My heart swelled at her words. Emily knew me better than anyone in the world, and there was nothing but truth in her words. Usually, that would have terrified me, especially if it was anyone other than my best friend, but my only reaction at that moment was love. I loved her for helping my mom, for reassuring her, and I absolutely adored the fact that she was trying so hard to help bring my mom and me closer. There was so much care interwoven in her words, so much earnestness and sincerity, and I knew at that moment that I could not lie to her any longer.

“Spencer is incredibly lucky to have you as a friend, Emily,” my mom offered sincerely, making me grin even wider in agreement. “I will do everything I possibly can to be here for her from now on and regain her trust and confidence, no matter how long it takes. Thank you for stepping in when her father was being an asshat. Peter and I have had a very long conversation about everything that has happened, and he has agreed that he will speak with me before making any decisions about Spencer’s health forthwith. And you are more than welcome here anytime, especially when Spencer needs you.”

I was about to move into the room finally because I really wanted to hug my mom after that speech, but something held me back when Emily started to reply. 

“You don’t have to thank me, Mrs. Hastings,” she explained softly, her voice so low that I had to strain to hear her from the hallway. “I’m the lucky one, to have her. I love Spencer, and I would do absolutely anything for her, just like I know she would do anything for me. I can’t stand to see her suffer, and I will do anything in my power to help her through all of this.”

At that point, I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. I practically ran into my room, my eyes finding Emily immediately, and made a beeline for where she sat on my bed. Her eyes grew wide at my sudden appearance, but she had absolutely no time to react before I was throwing my arms around her tightly and hugging her to me fiercely. She was frozen in shock for barely a moment, but then quickly snapped out of it and returned my embrace with just as much strength and passion. 

“Jesus, Spencer, you scared the bejeezus out of us,” my mom laughed, moving from where she had been standing at the foot of the bed to take her place beside me, laying a gentle hand on my back as I embraced my friend. 

“Sorry, I just heard what Emily said and I couldn’t help myself,” I pointed out apologetically, moving to hug my mom but keeping a hold of one of Emily’s hands. 

My mom squeezed me tightly, and that was the first time in quite a while that I felt even remotely safe without Emily’s arms around me. 

“Thank you both, for caring so much,” I whispered, pulling away before I could start crying. 

My mom had tears in her eyes. 

“Of course, my love. You have to know we would do anything for you,” she stated confidently, stroking my cheek before she caught sight of Emily and my hands still entwined. “I’m going to go get dinner started though, you girls come down whenever you’re ready.”

She placed a kiss on my cheek and left the room. 

I turned to Emily and used a sentence that always seemed to lead to something terrifying, hoping things would turn out for the best. 

“We should talk…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's POV

My first instinct when Spencer said we needed to talk was to run and hide. Talking about her to her mother had been easy, but talking about my best friend with my best friend was daunting, especially with all of the confusing feelings I had been experiencing as of late. After she had almost kissed me, I had freaked out, and I did not want to discuss why that was while Spencer was still fragile. She didn’t know what she was doing when she leaned toward me.

She couldn’t have. 

“We don’t need to make a big deal out of this, Spence. It doesn’t need to be a thing,” I practically begged, pulling my hand gently out of hers and turning to the side a bit so we were no longer facing each other. 

“Emily, don’t do this,” my best friend pleaded, moving back in front of me and taking both hands this time. “I know I’m a mess right now, but I want to be honest with you. I’m sorry if I overstepped some kind of line earlier, but this isn’t like what happened with Ali. What happened earlier, it wasn’t me being out of my mind with withdrawal, and it wasn’t some kind of misguided way to show my gratitude for everything you’ve done for me. Emily, you have to understand, I think I’m falling for you, and that terrifies me, but I…”

I held my hand up to stop her. Bringing up Ali had been bad enough, but speaking the words that had just escaped her mouth was flat out torture. She couldn’t mean what she was saying, there was no way she felt that way, and knowing that crushed me. 

Spencer could never truly have feelings for me. 

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Spencer, you can’t. It’s just that you need someone here, and the heightened emotions of going through withdrawal and dealing with everything else on top of that have confused you. You’re with Toby, Spencer, and you love him. Just, please, don’t…” I argued, looking at the floor until she pushed my chin up with a gentle finger. 

She looked sad, and that killed me, but she had to realize the truth. 

“I’m not confused, Em. But you’re right, I am still with Toby, and I do care about him, but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I’m not asking you to be with me, Emily. I’m not even asking you to tell me if you feel the same way or not. All I wanted to do was be honest with you, and apologize for allowing my impulses to control me earlier. I hope you can forgive me,” Spencer explained, running a hand gently along my jaw before thinking better of it and pulling her hand back. 

There was a light blush spread across her cheeks, and she looked absolutely beautiful, but I refused to allow myself to dwell on her beauty. My own feelings would only complicate the situation further. 

“Honestly, Spence, there’s nothing to forgive. It’s not a big deal, I promise, I just don’t want you to do or say anything that you might regret right now. If you still want to talk about this when you’re feeling better, we can, but I don’t think right now is the time for you to make any permanent decisions,” I cautioned, looking at her earnestly. 

“Maybe you’re right,” Spencer acquiesced, not sounding all that convinced. “Consider the subject tabled, for now. Are we okay though? You’re not upset with me?”

“Of course I’m not, don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded her gently, grabbing her hands tightly with my own to reassure her. 

Spencer tried to respond, but she was interrupted by her mother calling up to tell us dinner was ready. My best friend just smiled and headed toward the door, motioning for me to follow. We made our way downstairs, plated the spaghetti and salad Mrs. Hastings had made, and took a seat, sitting in pleasant silence for a few minutes until Spencer spoke up. 

“I think I should go back to school next week,” my best friend stated calmly, twirling some spaghetti on her fork. 

Mrs. Hastings choked on the bite she had just taken and had to place a hand in front of her face to regain her composure again. 

My reaction was not all that different.

“Are you sure, Spencer?” I asked cautiously, eyeing her closely. 

After everything that had happened over the past few days, I wanted Spencer to take her time. There was no reason she needed to push herself, and I was afraid that she might delay her recovery if she pushed too much. It wasn’t my place to tell her what to do, but I wanted her to be certain she was prepared for that particular step. 

“Yes. I’m already behind, having missed this week, and that’s going to cause me more stress than actually attending class ever could. I’ll take it easy, no extracurriculars or anything, and if I feel like it’s too much I can come home early or take the next day off. Honestly, though, I think it would be good for me to try and get back into the swing of things,” she explained succinctly, seeming more confident than she had in days. “And I think you should go in tomorrow, Em. I don’t want you to miss any more school because of me, and it’s just one day before the weekend, plus, Mom will be here to look after me…”

That explained her confidence. Spencer was putting on an act, trying to convince me that she would be okay if I left her to go to school, probably in some misguided attempt to give me space she thought I would want after our awkward conversation earlier. Unfortunately, I knew she would be impossible to convince otherwise with her mom seated at the table with us, so I figured we could talk more about it later. I would convince her somehow. 

“Okay, well why don’t we revisit the idea when we get up tomorrow? If you’re still feeling okay with it then, I’ll go to school. If not, I’ll stay. Easy enough,” I offered rationally, looking to Mrs. Hastings for confirmation. 

“Sounds reasonable enough to me,” Spencer’s mother agreed, causing Spencer to glare at me slightly. 

I knew she wasn’t going to argue just then, but I would hear about it later. 

After my best friend agreed to my proposal, the three of us fell into easy, light conversation. Mrs. Hastings asked about how Hanna and Aria were doing, Spencer explained how the decathlon team was doing and regaled her mother with some of my finer moments in swimming, and I mostly just listened to the two of them, engaging only when addressed directly. It was refreshing to see Spencer and her mom interacting in such a positive manner, and my best friend seemed to be basking in the attention, which made me ecstatic. 

About twenty minutes into dinner, Melissa showed up out of nowhere and joined in on a conversation about the merits of blazers, and I decided it would be okay if I zoned out for a bit. Spencer had been stiff with her sister when Melissa first arrived, but she warmed up when the oldest Hastings sibling high-fived her as they agree on something, a very out of character move that completely broke Spencer out of her shell. 

I could have stared at Spencer as she laughed for all eternity. 

“Emily?” A voice asked loudly, breaking me out of my stupor. 

Melissa was looking at me expectantly, obviously having been the one to address me. I blinked for a second, looking around to see that everyone had finished their meals. Realizing I had no idea what the other three women had been talking about, I looked back at Melissa blankly, completely at a loss as to how to respond.

“Sorry, what?” I questioned, my voice rising a little unnaturally as Spencer raised an eyebrow and giggled. 

Spencer Hastings giggled, and it was the most attractive sound I had ever heard, which was saying something because I got to hear her voice on an almost daily basis. 

I was so doomed. 

“I was just asking what you thought of Spencer’s abnormally large collection of blazers?” Melissa continued, laughing outright at my reaction before turning a teasing smirk on her sister. 

It was the first truly loving exchange I had seen between the Hastings sisters, and I loved it. I had spent enough time in that house to know that both Melissa and Mrs. Hastings shared Spencer’s love of blazers, so there was nothing malicious in what the oldest Hastings sister had said. They were all just genuinely having fun, and it was a glorious sight to behold. 

I decided to play along. 

“Well, you know, I could never pull it off,” I joked, causing Spencer to actually scoff, which made me grin even wider. “But you know this one, she has that nerdy, collegiate, ‘I’ve watched way too much Game of Thrones for my own good’ kind of vibe going for her, so she can totally rock all those blazers.”

All three Hastings women laughed heartily at that, and Spencer punched me lightly in the shoulder in retaliation. I just chuckled along, secretly proud of being included in the family moment. 

“This coming from the girl who can practically quote all seven Harry Potter books verbatim, was a beta tester for Pottermore, and asks for tickets to Harry Potter World every birthday and Christmas,” Spencer argued laughingly, poking her tongue out at me before grinning brightly. 

She did have a point. 

“Oh shush, Spencer. You’re just mad because Game of Thrones will never be cooler than Harry Potter…and because you constantly get sorted into Gryffindor even though you swear on everything holy that you’re a Ravenclaw through and through,” Melissa pointed out, tossing a pea at Spencer for good measure. 

My best friend looked highly offended. I was dying of laughter. 

“Says the hardcore Slytherin that’s been sorted into Hufflepuff more than once,” Spencer shot right back, grinning like an idiot. 

A very adorable idiot. 

Mrs. Hastings put her hands up to keep the girls from bickering anymore. 

“Now, now, girls, no one-upping each other’s houses at the dinner table. At Hogwarts, we respect all houses equally, even if I secretly root for Slytherin at every quidditch match. Plus, you girls have nothing on our Ms. Fields over here. She would no doubt sort herself into beloved Hufflepuff, but we all know that Gryffindor is the only house for those with hearts as brave as hers,” Mrs. Hastings stated, starting off in a teasing tone before becoming increasingly more sincere as she spoke, making me want to cry by the end. 

I had no idea how to react to such a statement, but I had never felt so genuinely flattered before by anyone other than Spencer. 

“Isn’t that the truth,” my best friend agreed, reaching out to take my hand. 

The two of us just stared at each other for a few minutes, grinning, before Melissa turned the conversation once more.

\-- Spemily --

“Come on, Em. It’s getting late and you have to get up early for school tomorrow,” Spencer cajoled, pulling me up from the kitchen island where we had been having a cup of tea with Mrs. Hastings and Melissa after dinner. 

“Okay, goodnight, Mrs. Hastings. Goodnight, Melissa,” I offered, smiling at both women before Spencer dragged me toward the stairs and up toward her room. 

My best friend’s mother and sister responded with their own goodnights and then resumed their conversation. It had been a good night, the best I had had in quite some time, and I was fairly certain that was true for Spencer as well. The whole of the evening had been light and easy, two things that we had both been missing pretty much since the moment A had entered our lives. I tried not to think about how unlikely it was that such a beautiful calm would last. 

Spencer and I changed into pajamas and completed our nightly routines in comfortable silence. When we were both ready for bed, I turned off the light and slipped into bed, noticing immediately that something was wrong. My best friend was on the other side of the bed, as far away from me as humanly possible, and I hated it. 

I wanted her as close to me as possible, but I was also terrified of taking advantage of her vulnerability for the benefit of my own feelings. Pulling my phone to me, I decided to shoot Hanna a text as I mulled over what my next step should be. 

**From: Me**

_Hey Han, can we meet for coffee before school tomorrow? I need someone to talk some sense into me…_

She replied almost immediately, making me grin.

**From: Hanna Marin**

_Hey Em! Of course we can go for coffee! But if I have to give you advice, you’re buying! ;P_

I had to force back a laugh as I replied.

**From: Me**

_Deal. I’ll even throw in one of those chocolate muffins. Thanks, Han, see you in the morning._

Placing my phone to the side, I finally turned toward Spencer. She was curled up in a ball, still as far away from me as possible, and the distance between us was actually starting to make me feel nauseous. I could not let it continue. 

“Spencer, what are you doing all the way over there?” I demanded, huffing as I sat up, raising an eyebrow at her even though she probably couldn’t actually see it in the dark. 

“I just figured you would be more comfortable if I gave you a little space after our conversation earlier today…” Spencer offered hesitantly, uncurling from her ball but maintaining her distance. 

Unable to take it anymore, I scooted closer to her, lying facing her on my side, our noses only inches from each other. The darkness did something to my inhibitions, lowered them to the point where I could easily disregard them. I needed to be close to Spencer, that was all I cared about. The guilt would show up in the morning, I knew that for certain, but I still couldn’t bring myself to move away. 

“Well you figured wrong,” I stated, still staring her directly in the eye. “You’re my best friend, Spencer. There have been very few times in my life when I have wanted space from you, and this is not one of them. I don’t want what happened earlier today to put any space between us or make anything about how we interact with each other awkward. Don’t start pushing me away; we’ve made too much progress in your recovery to lose it over assumptions. Now stop being silly and come here.”

Spencer just chuckled, pushing me to roll onto my back and laying half on top of me, her face resting on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms securely around her waist and sighed in contentment. 

“You’re still going to school tomorrow,” my best friend pointed out laughingly, placing her chin on my collarbone as she gazed at me expectantly. 

“Yes, Ms. Super Genius. Whatever you say, Ms. Super Genius,” I teased, grinning at her. 

“Ha ha ha, you’re so funny,” she replied, tweaking my nose before snuggling back down into her original position. “Okay, well goodnight, Em. I love you.”

Those words held such a different meaning for me now. They held such hope, but also the possibility of so much pain. I wanted to ignore them, but I wasn’t strong enough. 

“I love you, too.”

I couldn’t deny Spencer anything.

\--Spemily--

Spencer had pretty much pushed me out of bed to get me to go to school that morning. I was hesitant, not wanting to leave her while she was still recovering, but Melissa and Mrs. Hastings assured me that they would stay with her all day. Apparently there was a horror movie marathon being planned, and I was kind of jealous, but I also knew it was important to Spencer to have family time. So I got ready slowly and reluctantly, but eventually marched myself out the door because I knew I still needed to meet Hanna at The Brew before school started, and Spencer would kill me if I were late to class. 

Not really sure how I was going to broach the topic of Spencer with Hanna, I was deep in thought as I walked toward the coffee shop, so deep in thought that I almost ran into my friend as we both reached the door at the same time. 

“I expected more from you, Em,” Hanna stated teasingly, her voice deep with exhaustion. “We both know I’m worse than Spencer without my morning coffee, but you’re usually so chippy in the morning it makes my head hurt. Now I know for sure something is terribly wrong.”

“It’s ‘chipper,’ Han, not ‘chippy,’” I corrected with a chuckle, holding the door open for my friend to walk through. 

Hanna just rolled her eyes before strutting into The Brew. 

“Whatever. Buy my coffee, you sloth, and I’ll see what I can do about showering you with some of my epic wisdom,” she joked, waving me towards the counter before heading back to our usual seats in the corner. 

I ordered and waited for our drinks, the muffin I promised Hanna already having been stolen by said friend very sneakily, and felt infinitely bad for the barista who had to make the ridiculous concoction Hanna ordered all the time. Having had personal experience with making that insane mixture, I completely understood the look of disgust and contempt on his face. 

“One non-fat, soy latte with four pumps vanilla, one pump hazelnut, and three pumps cinnamon. Plus two fake sugars,” I offered, holding the drink out for Hanna to grab before sitting down and sipping my own, very simple, Americano. No sugar. “You do realize you’re pretty much drinking straight sugar, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both you and Spencer have told me that like a bajillion times and I’m still drinking it because it’s delicious,” Hanna laughed, taking a big gulp for show but then immediately spluttering as she realized it was still extremely hot. 

I doubled over with my laughter. It amazed me sometimes that Hanna managed to do all the shit she did without even trying to be funny. I could not have staged that moment better. 

“Yep, yuck it up, no big deal, you know, just burnt half my tongue off,” Hanna scoffed, grinning at me before abruptly turning serious. “So what’s going on, Em? Aria and I have been worried about you and Spencer for the past few days. Spence has been completely incommunicado, and you’ve been barely reachable. Is something going on that we should know about? If it’s A…”

“It’s not A,” I interrupted, not wanting Hanna to get worked up for no reason. We were all terrified when it came to A, and I had no desire to fan those flames. “Spencer has been out of touch because she’s been going through withdrawal, and she’s been having a pretty hard time. I’ve been staying with her while she recovers.”

Hanna looked a little confused as she pondered what I had said. 

“No offense, Em, but why you? I mean, Toby is back in town, and her parents are there, plus Melissa… Why are you the one taking care of her?” My friend inquired, genuinely perplexed. 

I wasn’t really all that sure how to answer her question.

“She asked me to be there,” I stated, a question mark migrating to the end of my sentence of its own volition. 

“Okay, what’s going on? Why are we here this morning, Emily?” Hanna demanded, looking as though she suspected something but didn’t want to say it out loud. 

Gathering my courage, I looked her dead in the eye and spoke my truth for the first time. 

“I think I’m falling for Spencer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's POV
> 
> Possible trigger warning: depression

My depression hit me hard about an hour after Emily left. 

There was no way I could focus on the zombies eating people on-screen, and I just ended up staring off into space, not really wanting to do much of anything. My mom and Melissa were engrossed in the film for about an hour or so before my sister looked over and noticed my listlessness. Instead of saying anything, she just scooted closer to me, wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, and hugged me close to her. When Mom realized what was happening, she came around the couch and hugged me from the other side, just as tightly. 

I felt like I was in a cocoon. 

“We’re here for you, Spencer. Whatever you need, just tell us. Anything,” my mom promised, rubbing a hand up and down my back to emphasize her presence. 

I appreciated what they were trying to do, that they were trying to help, but I just felt crowded. Everything just started raining down on me again. Alison, Radley, A, the pills, everything that I had experienced in the past few years just flooded into my mind, making me relive tragedy after trauma after terror. The worst thing was, I knew I couldn’t even talk about it with the two people holding me at that moment. They had no idea what was really going on, and I couldn’t saddle them with that mess, too. They already had to deal with me. 

All I wanted to do was break down in tears, but I refused to do that in front of my mom and my sister. 

“I know you guys are here for me, I know, and I’m okay. I think for right now I just really need a shower, clear my head, you know?” I explained, holding my tears back with everything I had as I smiled at each of them in turn. 

My mom and Melissa looked at each other questioningly and then nodded, appearing to agree on something wordlessly. 

That had never been a good sign in the past. 

“Okay, of course, sweetheart, whatever you need,” Mom started, loosening her grip on me and allowing me to stand before grasping my hand for a split second. “But, in the meantime, do you want me to text Emily? See if she could come by for lunch?”

My head could not shake quickly enough for my liking. 

“No, no, please don’t do that, Mom. Em has sacrificed so much time to stay with me and help me over the past few days. Let her have a normal day today so she can catch up on her schoolwork and not worry about me for a few hours. She deserves the time to herself; she’ll be back soon enough,” I argued, pleading with my every word. 

Emily deserved to live her life. I had no desire to screw up her day just because I felt a little depressed. She deserved a hell of a lot more than that; she deserved a hell of a lot more than me. 

“Alright, okay, fair enough,” my mom acquiesced, nodding and squeezing my hand again before letting go. “Well have a good shower, I hope it helps, darling. Maybe we’ll have some ice cream when you come back down.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed, smiling at Melissa and her before heading to the stairs. 

It was a relief to be alone, and yet it was terrifying. With nothing left to distract me from my own thoughts, there was no way for me to escape the darkness that was engulfing me. My feet felt heavier with every step up the stairs, and by the time I was in my room, I wasn’t even sure if I could force myself into the shower. 

Somehow, miraculously, I managed. 

As soon as the shower door was closed behind me, I slunk down to the floor, sitting directly under the hot spray. I wanted so badly for the water to wash everything away. All I wanted was to be a clean slate; to not have Ian or Wren or Radley or the pills or my plagiarized paper or Alison or A or UPenn’s rejection or my parents’ disappointment or my absurd decision to confess my feelings to Emily all hanging over my head for eternity. 

All I wanted was to forget. 

Before I knew it, I was sobbing on the floor of the shower. Curling my knees up in front of me, I put my head between them and shook with the violence of my tears. It was all too much for me to handle, and I didn’t know what to do. 

So I just sat there, sobbing even after the water had run cold and I had begun to shiver. 

“Spencer?” Toby’s voice filtered in from my room, halting my tears in their tracks. 

I didn’t want him to find me; I couldn’t face him. 

There was a knock on the bathroom door. 

“Spence? I know you’re in there. Your mom told me where you were. Can I come in?”

Still, I said nothing, hoping he would just give up and go away. Instead, Toby just huffed, and I could practically hear his hand run through his hair in frustration. 

“Spencer, I’m worried about you, so if you don’t say anything I’m going to come in there.”

Without even giving me a chance to answer, he was opening the door and letting himself in. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I tried to move and my muscles shook with the cold and the effort. Toby locked eyes with me and immediately moved to help. He grabbed my towel from the floor and hurried into the shower, not even bothering to turn the water off as he reached down to scoop me up into his arms like I weighed nothing. 

There was a time when I felt safe in those arms. 

At that moment, all I felt was empty. 

“Jesus, Spencer, you’re freezing. Come on, get under the covers while I find you something to wear,” my boyfriend ordered, laying me on my bed and pulling the blankets over me before moving to root around in my dresser. 

“Why are you here, Toby?” I asked, cringing at my words even as they came out of my mouth. 

It wasn’t Toby’s fault that I felt uncomfortable with him. Well, it wasn’t all Toby’s fault that I felt uncomfortable with him. 

“Your mom called me,” he explained, turning towards me with sweatpants and a t-shirt in hand. “She said you were struggling a little today, what with Emily being at school and everything. So she asked if I would come over and keep you company for a while. She thought you might feel more comfortable with me than with her or Melissa.”

I was still shivering, but not as bad as before, and I managed to dress without assistance. Crawling back into bed, I pulled the covers up to my chin and burrowed as much as I could in search of warmth. Toby sat on the edge of the bed next to me, pushing a lock of wet hair out of my face and looking like a lost puppy. 

His fingers were so rough compared to Emily’s. 

“I’m sorry about the other day; I was terrible to you, and all you wanted to do was help,” I apologized after pulling the covers down from my face just enough to speak. 

“Don’t apologize, Spencer. If I hadn’t of reacted to the whole situation the way I did in the first place, I wouldn’t have lost your trust, and you wouldn’t have felt the need the send me away,” Toby acknowledged, squeezing my shoulder gently before running a hand up and down my back to help warm me. 

“Yes, well, I’m the one who got myself into this mess in the first place,” I argued, refusing to make eye contact with him. 

No matter how many times Emily told me not to be, I was fairly certain I would always be ashamed of how far I let things get. 

“Everyone makes mistakes, Spencer. I think you going through withdrawal is more than enough punishment for one mistake. You don’t need to punish yourself on top of that,” he offered, leaning toward me in an attempt to pull my gaze once more. 

I still refused to look at him. 

“And how many mistakes is one too many?” I whispered, not even sure I wanted to hear his answer. 

“What do you mean, Spencer? What are you talking about?”

The look on his face told me he suspected something, something that hurt him, and I wanted nothing more than to curl up and disappear. Toby deserved more than that, though. He deserved the truth. 

“I almost kissed Emily yesterday,” I admitted quietly, still not able to meet his gaze. 

Toby took a deep breath, and I looked up to see his head bowed. He had no reaction other than that, and I was quickly becoming desperate. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he deserved honesty; it was all I had left to offer him. 

“Nothing happened, I swear, but I couldn’t lie to you,” I explained rapidly, reaching out to grasp one of his hands only to have him pull away. 

“But you wanted it to,” my boyfriend whispered so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. 

I snapped my hand back as though I had been burned. 

“Toby, I…” I started, not really sure how to respond. 

What he said was true, and I couldn’t deny it because that would mean lying to him, but the truth would just cause him more pain. 

“It’s okay, Spence. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not hurt, but I also can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. Ever since I’ve known you all, you and Emily have been closer than anyone else. Honestly, I thought there might have been something between the two of you before you and I got together. I was surprised that it was Maya that Emily wanted to be with at the dance and not you. And after the way she’s been standing up for you and taking care of you the last few days, it’s pretty obvious that she feels the same way you do,” he stated softly, still not looking at me. 

My heart jumped when he said he thought Emily felt the same way, but that didn’t counteract the heaviness the rest of his words and his countenance pressed on my heart. 

I probably would have reacted better if he had yelled at me. 

As it was, I just started crying. 

“I’m sorry, Toby. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, and I never wanted to hurt you, but I couldn’t keep lying to you. If nothing else, you’re one of my best friends, and I want more than anything for you to be happy,” I tried to explain, not even sure where I was going with my words, just rambling on and on. “Do you think we could ever be friends again after this? Obviously not right now, I’ll give you all the space you need, but eventually? Maybe?”

My now ex-boyfriend took another deep breath and looked up at me, finally. 

“Maybe eventually,” he agreed hesitantly, sighing as he spoke. “But right now, I can’t be that to you, Spencer. I need some distance, and some time, to work through this.”

“Of course, whatever you need. I really am sorry for hurting you, Toby. I really do want for you to be happy,” I agreed quickly, watching as he stood from the bed. 

“Take care of yourself, Spencer,” he stated, cutting off our conversation as he hugged me and then quickly walked out of the room. 

I just hoped he wasn’t walking out of my life for good.

\--Spemily--

I was still in bed when Emily arrived hours later. 

My mom and Melissa had come in to check on me throughout the day, but they didn’t force me to get up. Melissa did make me sit up to drink some tea and eat a few cookies, but that was all. I just lay in my bed and stared at the wall, running over everything I had ever done wrong in my life. 

By the time Emily came in, I was so far away that I barely noticed her entrance. It wasn’t until she crouched down directly in front of me and ran a hand through my hair that I moved even the slightest amount. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Em whispered, leaning forward to place a kiss on my forehead before shifting back so she could look at me again. “Your mom said today wasn’t easy for you, and that it only got worse after Toby dropped by earlier. Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head, burying my face in my pillow at the thought of such a discussion. 

“Okay, that’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she agreed, standing to take her shoes off before moving around to the other side of the bed and sliding under the covers. 

As soon as she was settled, I threw myself into her arms. 

Emily just held me with everything she had, and I finally felt safe. 

“God, I missed you,” I whispered, burrowing further into her side.

“I missed you too, Spence. I couldn’t focus at all in school today; I was too worried about you. Hanna practically dragged me to most of my classes. And then your mom told me you’d had a bad day, and I… God, Spence, I should have been here for you. You shouldn’t be going through any of this by yourself,” Emily bit out, squeezing me tightly as she finished speaking. 

Pushing myself up on my arms, I looked her straight in the face. It was the first significant move I had made in hours. 

“Don’t do that, Em,” I admonished, kneeling next to her so that I could hold her face in my hands. “None of this is your fault. I’m going to have bad days, it’s going to happen, and you’re not always going to be with me when they happen. The important thing is that you’re here now. I feel better, safer when I’m with you.”

“I’m glad. I always want you to feel that way with me,” Emily hummed, sitting up as well so she could hug me. 

We just held each other for a few minutes, soaking in the comfort that being in our best friend’s arms brought. 

After a short while, I finally gathered my courage and spilled my guts. Again. 

“I broke up with Toby today. Well, it was kind of mutual, but I definitely initiated,” I stuttered, incredibly nervous about how she would react to the news. 

Emily pulled away from me, holding my shoulders at arm's length as she stared at me incredulously. 

“You did what?” She demanded, looking as though she didn’t quite believe me. 

“Don’t make me say it again, Em. Please,” I begged, knowing she had heard me the first time. 

She just stared at me for a moment, seemingly at a loss for words, but then she suddenly looked angry and upset. I couldn’t quite pinpoint why, and that scared me. 

“Why would you do that, Spencer? I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t make any permanent decisions while you were still recovering, especially when you’re as down as you were today,” Emily argued, her hand coming up to run through her hair in a gesture of frustration that I had become so familiar with over the years. With her other hand, she reached over and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. “We’re calling him right now. We’ll explain that you were just having a really bad day and that you didn’t know what you were saying…”

I snatched the phone out of her hand so quickly that all she could do was stare at her empty palm. 

“This is not something I am going to regret, Emily. I knew exactly what I was saying. I care about Toby, and I want him to be happy. He deserves to be with someone who can love him with her whole heart and be everything that he needs. I can’t do that for him. My heart already belongs to someone else, and whether or not she accepts it, my heart isn’t free for anyone else to hold,” I argued, dipping my head at the last statement as I continued to hide my best friend’s phone behind my back. 

“Spencer…” Emily started, sounding sad as she reached a hand up to cradle my cheek.

“I couldn’t lie to him anymore,” I jumped in quickly, certain I would be unable to handle the rejection that was sure to follow such an admission. “And I’m not asking anything of you here, Em. All I want is to be honest with the people I care about. You’re not obligated to respond, I promise.”

Emily sighed deeply before reaching her other hand up to cradle my face completely and then pulling my eyes up to meet hers. 

“Spencer, I can’t take you heart when you’re so vulnerable,” she admitted, tears cascading gently down her beautiful cheeks. “You’re still suffering, and any advance on my part would make me feel like I was taking advantage of you right now.”

I actually scoffed at her words, but they gave me such hope. All I could think about were Toby’s words from earlier; his assertion that Emily shared my feelings. 

“Taking advantage? Please, you’re talking to a Hastings, Emily. No one can take advantage of a Hastings. Plus, I know you. You’re quite literally the kindest, most loyal person I have ever known. So I know for a fact that you are entirely incapable of taking advantage of anyone, least of all one of your friends,” I argued stubbornly, staring right back at her, finally feeling some of my strength return. 

Em brushed a hand through my hair before bringing our foreheads together. I could feel her every exhale on my lips, and goosebumps rose all over my body. I wanted her so badly. 

“You might be right, but it would feel that way to me, and I would never be able to forgive myself for it,” she admitted in a whisper, tears still flowing from her eyes. “Please, Spencer, just give yourself time. We don’t have to call Toby, but please don’t push things between us. I’ll still be here with you through every day of your recovery. I promise that I won’t leave you, but please, let’s table talking about anything more than friendship until you’re back at full strength.”

It was actually painful for me to keep from pressing my lips to hers right then, but I managed, somehow. 

“Okay, but at least tell me something in the meantime,” I requested pitifully, not allowing her to pull away from me. 

“What’s that?” She asked, her eyes closed and her breathing shallow. 

“Admit that there is something more between us, that you can feel it even if we can’t talk about it or act on it yet,” I begged, closing my eyes as well and brushing our noses together. 

Emily shivered at the contact, and I couldn’t hold back my grin. Even if she didn’t admit it with words, her physical reaction to my touch told me everything I needed to know. 

“Don’t ask me to do that, Spencer. It will only make things harder,” she pleaded, reaching up with both hands to hold my head in place, not allowing me any closer. 

“Please, Emily. Please, for me,” I continued, pulling back to give her a little space. 

I didn’t want to hurt or upset her, that was the last thing in the world I ever wanted, but I needed to hear her say it. I needed the reassurance that there was something for me to look forward to after I struggled through all the pain. I needed to know there was hope. 

“Of course I feel it, Spencer. I’ve always felt it, and I’m pretty sure I’ll feel it for the rest of my life,” she finally admitted, tears beginning to gush even faster as she ran soft fingers along my jawline. 

All I wanted at that moment was to kiss her. I wanted it so badly I thought I would combust with my desire, but then there was a loud click from across the room. Snapping my head around, I saw my door was open and Hanna was standing there, wide-eyed, with her jaw on the floor. 

“I really need to learn how to knock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's POV

“Yes, yes you do,” Spencer muttered, scooting a little further away from me as she turned toward Hanna fully. 

“Well, how was I supposed to know the two of you were going at it? Nobody tells me anything anymore…” Our friend argued, rolling her eyes right back and placing her hands on her hips; the unimpressed-Hanna stance. 

I rolled my eyes as well. It was all such typical Spencer-Hanna bickering that I couldn’t help myself. 

“We were not ‘going at it,’ Hanna,” I stated firmly, squeezing Spencer’s hand so she didn’t think I was necessarily opposed to the idea at some point in the future. I definitely was not opposed; it just wasn’t quite time yet. “It would definitely help everyone if you learned how to knock, though.”

Spencer chuckled, and I couldn’t help grinning like an idiot at the sound. 

“Oh jesus, kill me now,” Hanna gagged, walking to the bed and throwing herself down next to us. “You two are going to be way too cutesy for me to handle. Seriously, no more giggling and grinning at each other, I think I’m going to be sick.”

“You’re so dramatic, Han,” I laughed, poking her in the side and laughing even harder when she twitched violently in response, obviously not amused. 

“Yes, well, that’s why you weirdoes love me,” she responded saucily, sticking her tongue out at us before becoming serious for the first time since she showed up in Spencer’s room. “In all honesty though, I came by to see how you two were doing. And to make sure Spencer still had all motor functions, seeing as we haven’t spoken in over a week.”

Hanna said it jokingly, brushing it off almost lightly, but there was a small bite to her words that undermined her tone completely. She didn’t understand why Spencer hadn’t reached out to her for help, but she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t want to make things worse. 

It hurt my heart to see her so hesitant. Hanna was never hesitant; not with us. 

I could feel Spencer soften next to me. 

“Han, I’m okay, I promise,” Spencer offered softly, moving closer to Hanna and taking her hand. “I’m really sorry that I’ve been so out of the picture lately. I’ve been in a really dark place while going through withdrawal from the pills. I didn’t want to drag you down with me…”

Hanna sat up so quickly I thought she had been given a huge jolt of electricity. Spencer had to lean away to avoid having their heads smack together. 

“No, no, no, no. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty, Spence, I’m sorry. You’re going through so much already. I’ve just been worried about you, that’s all…”

“Well I’m doing much better now, thanks to Emily,” Spence offered, grinning over at me and making me blush. Hanna groaned as she looked between us, and my best friend jumped in again. “It’s still a work in progress, and I have no doubt that there will be struggles yet to come, but I’m leagues better than I was just a few days ago. So please, don’t worry so much. I’m going to be okay. As long as I have you guys, I’m not concerned at all.”

Hanna just smiled at her for a moment before throwing her arms around Spencer, squeezing her tightly, and Spence squeezed her just as tightly in return. 

“Alright you mush-buckets, how about a movie marathon? Rom-coms all around?” I inquired laughingly, throwing my arms around both of them and sneakily placing a kiss on Spencer’s cheek. 

I couldn’t help myself around her anymore. 

“Only if I get to sit between you two lovebirds, there will be no giggling at each other or googly eyes during ‘Made of Honor,’ thank you very much,” Hanna deadpanned, standing up and placing her hands on her hips once more, a grin playing on her lips as she tried her damndest to stay completely serious. 

“I suppose we can handle that,” Spencer chuckled, grinning at me before moving to get up to grab the movie and set it up. 

Grabbing her hand gently, I halted her movements, knowing how hard her day had been. 

“Stay, I’ll do it. You guys get comfortable,” I ordered, unthinkingly dropping a kiss on her hand before moving to the giant bookcase on the other side of the room. 

“Jesus, you two are worse than Ezra and Aria. How is it that you’re not even together and yet you’re the cutesiest couple in existence?” Hanna demanded, plopping down right in the middle of the bed, giggling to herself as she rolled her eyes and Spencer and me. 

I didn’t respond, knowing I couldn’t take back whatever I said, and afraid of getting too deep into my feelings for Spencer when I had warned her only minutes ago that neither of us was ready to start anything official. Spencer apparently did not share my hesitance. 

“Yes, well, I guess that’s what happens when you fall head-over-heels in love with your best friend,” she explained easily, her eyes burning into my back with their intensity, making me take a deep breath before daring to turn back around and meet her eyes. 

“Spence…” I whispered, my admonishment losing a significant amount of strength due to the breathlessness of my voice. 

It seemed she would never cease to amaze me. 

Spencer grinned at me unabashedly. She had no qualms about putting her feelings out there for everyone to know, and that scared the ever-living shit out of me, and also built me up in a way I had never felt before. 

I wanted to kiss her so badly. 

Hanna made a gagging noise before breaking down into uncontrollable and very loud laughter. 

“Alright, alright, let’s watch the movie,” I offered with a grin, taking my place on the only unoccupied space of the bed and pressing play to get rid of the obnoxious music that played over the movie’s menu. 

We sat through three-quarters of the movie, suffering through Hanna’s jesting and often ridiculous commentary on love and life and Patrick Dempsey’s hair before our friend fell dead asleep. Knowing Spencer had seen the movie just as many times as I had, I paused it as soon as Hanna was out, motioning for my best friend to follow me downstairs. 

Neither of us was going to sleep anytime soon. 

Reaching the kitchen, I put the kettle on the stove, starting our usual routine of tea making. Spencer sat at the kitchen island, waiting for me to say what I wanted to say. She knew me all too well. 

“You can’t just go around saying things like that,” I told her determinedly, my voice much stronger than it had been when I had tried to admonish her earlier. 

Granted, I wasn’t looking her in the eye as I got the tea down from the cabinet, so that probably had something to do with it. 

At first, she didn’t react. After a few minutes, all she did was stand from the barstool and make her way over to stand directly in front of me. Her eyes were practically glued to mine as soon as I turned to face her. 

“Things like what?” She inquired innocently with a mischievous smirk, getting as close as she possibly could without actually touching me. My throat went dry. “Like, that I’ve fallen in love with you? That you make me a better person, a stronger person? That I never want to be without you? That I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life? You need to be more specific for me, Emily.”

I’m fairly certain my brain short-circuited. 

I wanted so badly to come back with a snarky comment, something that would throw her off her game and put me back in control, but my mind was blank. All I could think about was how beautiful that speck of gold in her brown eyes was, and how kissable her lips looked. So I just stared at her, my fists clenching at my sides to keep from reaching out and grabbing hold of her. Grabbing hold of her and never letting go. 

“You can feel it, I can see it in your eyes,” she pointed out, reaching a hand up to caress my cheek. My knees went so weak that I had to grab onto the counter behind me for support, and she hadn’t even touched me yet. “I know you don’t think I’m ready for this, and you might be right, but these feelings didn’t just magically appear because you’ve been taking care of me through all of this. Suffering through what I have has just given me the courage to acknowledge and express what I’ve been feeling for a long time now. Please, don’t push me away, not now. I love you, Em.”

“I don’t want to push you away,” I whispered, grasping at her waist with both hands like she was a lifeline; like I would die if I didn’t touch her right then. 

Spencer grinned with genuine happiness, just a touch of her signature smirk curving the edge of her lips. 

“Good.”

Pulling me closer, she gently tilted my head and molded our lips together. 

Finally. 

The cliché of fireworks exploding behind my eyes could never have fully explained what that first touch of our lips felt like. It was almost as if I was on fire with sensation, like every nerve ending in my body was reacting to Spencer’s presence. Every brush of her fingers against my skin, every slide and press of her lips against my own, the gentle insistence of her tongue pushing against my lips made me feel like I was about to combust with love and happiness and just a touch of fear. 

I had never felt so intensely in my life. 

“Finally!” A voice shouted from the living room, causing Spencer and me to spring apart so quickly I was fairly certain I got whiplash. 

My initial thought was that it had to be Hanna. I honestly couldn’t think of anyone else that would react with such excitement at the prospect of Spencer and I possibly getting together. 

To my incredible surprise, it was not Hanna standing at the bottom of the stairs though. 

Instead, Melissa Hastings was there, a hand clapped over her mouth as she looked incredibly embarrassed about her recent outburst. Spencer all but growled at her sister, looking prepared to kill her for interrupting. 

“Seriously, Melissa?” The younger Hastings demanded, turning only her head as she tried to stay as close to me as humanly possible. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t actually mean to say that out loud, I just got so excited,” Melissa apologized, practically squealing with glee even as she did so. “I’ve been rooting for the two of you to get together basically since Emily came out. I mean, seriously, if people like Wren and Ian could see the chemistry between you two, I’m surprised it took your genius IQ this long to figure it out, Spencer.”

I was laughing so hard I was actually crying. 

“What the…? How did everyone else figure this out before we did?” Spencer demanded, looking at me with such honesty and perplexity that all I could do was continue laughing. 

“Because you’re blind idiots, obviously,” Hanna offered with a yawn as she made her way down the stairs, her hair all over the place and her makeup smudged from sleep. 

“Well, I’m just glad we finally figured it out,” I stated, smiling at Spencer before leaning in and planting a soft kiss on her lips. 

Of course, Spencer Hastings couldn’t let me get away so easily. 

She pulled me even closer and deepened the kiss immediately. I could feel her raise a hand behind my back, and I had no doubt she was flipping both her sister and Hanna off as we made out in her kitchen. 

I just wanted to keep kissing her for the rest of my life. I didn’t care that we had an audience; I didn’t care about anything except Spencer’s lips on my own. It was just she and I, nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. 

At that moment, there was no A, there were no pills, there was nothing wrong with the world. 

There was just me and Spencer, our lips moving perfectly together; made for each other. 

Pulling away, I leaned my forehead against hers. I couldn’t bear to be away from her for too long. 

“I love you,” I whispered with determination, placing one last, chaste kiss on her lips as my stomach fluttered. 

No words had ever felt so true to me before that moment. 

“Gag,” Hanna coughed from the stairs, skipping towards us after she pushed past Melissa and swinging an arm around each of us as soon as she entered the kitchen. “As adorable and hot and made for each other as you two are, I really don’t need to see any more of this. Think you can postpone getting it on for tonight, or should I head home? Because as much as I love you both, that is really not something that I need to bear witness to…”

Spencer and Melissa both died laughing as I turned the color of a beet. 

“Jesus, Hanna,” I scolded, rolling my eyes at her amusedly. “Spencer and I are taking things slow, keep your dirty mind to yourself.”

Hanna actually scoffed at my words, making me glare at her. She just shrugged. 

“I agree with Hanna,” Melissa offered out of nowhere, moving to uncharacteristically grab a beer from the Hastings’ refrigerator. “If this is you two taking it slow, I think I may want to vacate the house tonight…”

Hanna almost dropped to the floor with her laughter, high-fiving the older Hastings sibling. 

“I like her,” our friend stated, grinning at Spencer’s sister before raising an eyebrow at Spencer and me and placing her hands on her hips once more. 

Spencer scowled. 

“I’m sure we can behave for one night, it’s late, and you don’t need to be driving home right now, Han,” my best friend argued, sarcasm dripping from her first few words. 

Gripping her hand reassuringly, I smiled at Spence in agreement. 

“Fine, but I’m sleeping in the middle, I don’t trust you two alone in bed together,” our friend jested, smirking at us before high-fiving Melissa again. 

“Good luck with that, Hanna. There always the guest bedroom if you get kicked out of the room in a few hours,” Melissa chuckled, saluting us with her beer before heading out to the barn for the night. 

We all just stood and stared after her in shock for a moment. 

“Did we just witness ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ or something?” Hanna deadpanned, turning toward Spencer for answers even as she laughed at her own joke. 

“Either that or Melissa is on some serious drugs right now,” I offered, not really joking as I thought about just how drastically different Melissa had been since finding out about Spencer’s run-in with the pills. 

Spence just shrugged, still staring at the place where her sister had left the house, complete confusion the only expression I could read from her. 

“Come on, let’s get some sleep, it’s been a long day for all of us. We can worry about Melissa tomorrow,” I offered, wrapping an arm around Spencer’s shoulders and placing a light kiss on her temple in an attempt to bring her back to the present. 

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized my jest may have been a little too soon given our situation. 

My best friend just smiled at me and nodded though, and the three of us headed upstairs, knowing that everything was going to be different from that point onward. 

\--Spemily--

Hanna had breakfast with the Hastings women and me the following morning before heading home, obviously feeling better after being brought into the loop and bickering with Spencer a little bit. Melissa made some veiled jokes at our expense before heading out as well, careful not to expose us to Mrs. Hastings quite yet, which I was grateful for. That was definitely a conversation that needed to happen, but not yet. Spencer and I needed to talk about everything first. 

Making our way upstairs once more after breakfast, I could feel my stomach clench tighter and tighter with nerves the closer we got to Spencer’s room. I knew it was silly, Spencer had been very upfront with me about her feelings so far, but I couldn’t help but be a little gun-shy. The last person I had loved as deeply and earnestly as I loved my best friend had been Alison, and that had not exactly turned out well. 

I had sworn that I would never allow myself to fall for a straight friend again. 

Though, to be fair, Spencer had not exactly been acting very straight recently. 

“Why do you look so nervous, Em?” My best friend cooed quietly, pulling me toward her and wrapping her arms around my shoulders, her eyes fixed determinedly on my own. “Things are actually okay right now. We’ve found our way to each other, Melissa and Hanna are almost creepily fangirling over us, I’m sure both of our moms will be fine when they find out, and I can actually see myself healing now, getting better…”

She was getting worked up with my continued silence, and that was the last thing I wanted, so I placed my lips over hers to shut her up, letting the kiss get a little heated before pulling back and meeting her gorgeous, soulful brown eyes once more. 

“Spencer, stop, I’m fine, we’re fine,” I promised, grinning as she stared at me, slack-jawed in the aftermath of our kiss. “I just want to make sure that you’re okay with this right now, that it isn’t all a little too much for you. I couldn’t bear it if I ended up being a barrier or a road-block to your recovery.”

The whole time I spoke I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her lips. 

It was obvious that was going to be a problem for quite some time. 

Spence was about to respond, but we were interrupted by her mom’s voice reverberating down the cavernous upstairs hallway. 

“Door open, girls! As much as I’m rooting for you two, and as much as I love you both, there are still rules in this house regarding significant others. I don’t think you want to sit down with me for another Talk, Spencer,” Mrs. Hastings called with a chuckle, her last statement causing my best friend, apparently now significant other, to blush about a thousand different shades of red. 

I literally fell to the floor with laughter. 

Spencer moved to open the door. 

“That would be categorized as cruel and unusual punishment, but we heard you loud and clear, Mom,” she called back, turning from the door to face me and rolling her eyes dramatically. 

“Good,” Mrs. Hastings responded, showing up just outside the door, hands on her hips in a manner that was scarily similar to the pose Hanna had struck the night before. “Now be a Hastings, step up, and ask Emily on a date, Spencer. And you better treat each other well or Pam and I will have plenty to say on the matter.”

Spencer rolled her eyes again but nodded at her mother in acquiescence, and Mrs. Hastings grinned broadly at me before leaving us alone, pushing the door open just a little more as she left for effect. 

My stomach hurt from laughing so hard, and I fell backward onto the bed, still chuckling as the image of Veronica Hastings in a drama class flitted through my mind. That would have been priceless. 

“I’m not willing to concede this often, but she’s right, you know,” my best friend offered a little hesitantly, flopping down onto the bed next to me without an ounce of grace. 

“Oh yeah? About what?” I asked, a little out of breath after laughing so much. 

I turned to face Spencer; curious about which part of her conversation with her mom she was referring to. 

“About the fact that I should ask you on a date,” she explained nonchalantly, staring up at me through her eyelashes as she grinned mischievously. “Pretty girl like you isn’t going to wait around forever to be swept off her feet.”

She had meant it jokingly, but I felt the need to respond seriously. It felt like the right time. 

“For you, I would wait forever, Spence.”

My best friend immediately scooted up the bed and melded our lips together, her left hand gripping my waist tightly as she laid herself on top of me. Without even thinking about it, my hands slid up into her hair, pulling her even closer. I knew I should have pulled away after a moment, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. 

“The door is actually still open, girls,” Mrs. Hastings reminded us with a laugh as she passed, effectively breaking us apart, at least for the time being. 

“Thanks for the reminder, Mom,” Spence yelled at the empty doorway before turning back to me, one of those imperious eyebrows raised in a question. “So, what do you say? Go on a date with me tonight?”

I smiled. 

“How could you think the answer would be anything but ‘yes’?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's POV

I was about to pick Emily up for our date, and I was nervous as hell. 

Em had wanted to plan it, probably worried that I would stress myself out over it, but I had insisted on putting everything together. It was our first date, and I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. Emily deserved to have everything be perfect. 

Stepping out of my car, I cautiously made my way up to the Fields’ front door. Having known Emily for as long as I had, having been best friends with her as long as I had, I can honestly say that I had only been nervous while approaching her house once before in my life. Thankfully, my nerves were of a much different ilk than they had been when Em had returned from Haiti in the wake of Maya’s death. They were anxious, but also joyous. 

We were finally together, and we were about to make it official by going on our very first date. 

My anxiety quickly turned into excitement as I knocked on the front door. 

“Hello, Spencer. Emily is just finishing up getting ready, she’ll be down in just a moment,” Mrs. Fields greeted, pulling me into a hug as she beamed at me. I was afraid I might die of suffocation before she finally released me, but she quickly did so in order to turn toward the stairs. “Emily! Spencer is here! We’ll be in the kitchen whenever you’re ready!”

Motioning for me to follow her, Mrs. Fields lead me into the kitchen and motioned for me to take a seat at the table before placing a glass of water in front of me and taking a seat herself. 

“So, you finally figured it out, I see,” she offered knowingly, a giant grin on her face that edged on a joyous smirk. 

“ _We_ managed to figure it out, thankfully,” I replied with my own smile, my cheeks reddening as I felt a bit embarrassed by my own giddiness. “Though Emily did take a bit of convincing, she can be pretty stubborn sometimes, you know?”

There was a clearing of someone’s throat behind us, and I whipped around to see Emily standing in the doorway, her eyebrow raised in a teasing manner. 

The eyebrow was not the only teasing thing about her at that moment, and I was struggling not to ogle my best friend with her mother sitting right next to me. That gorgeous blue dress that fit her like a glove was making things particularly difficult for me. 

“I’m only stubborn when it comes to protecting the people that I love,” Em explained saucily, walking straight toward me, an adorable grin on her face before she leaned down to kiss my cheek lightly. 

“Well aren’t you two just precious,” Mrs. Fields gushed, making Emily and I both turn a deep shade of red. 

“Yes, yes, okay, Mom. We’re going on our date now. I’ll see you before curfew. Love you,” Emily offered quickly, placing a kiss on her mother’s cheek before practically dragging me out of the house. 

“In a hurry to get somewhere, Ms. Fields?” I inquired laughingly, stopping her short of the car so I could step in front and open her door for her. 

Instead of sliding into her seat as I expected, she stepped up directly in front of me, our noses brushing, and my eyes just about popped out of their sockets in surprise. 

“Just in a hurry to be alone with my Super Genius, Ms. Hastings,” she breathed across my lips, brushing her own across my cheek teasingly before finally getting in the car. 

My mouth hanging open, I just stood there, unable to move. 

Emily laughed lightly, looking up at me through her gorgeous lashes. 

“Are you just going to stand there all night, or are you going to take me on our date?” She asked with a chuckle, throwing me the sexiest smirk I had ever seen. 

She was trying to kill me, I was sure of it. 

“Maybe this was our date and I’m going to take you right back home now,” I teased back, sticking my tongue out at her childishly before carefully closing her door and moving around to the driver’s side. 

“As long as I get to be with you, I’m not sure I would mind,” Emily offered sincerely, smiling brightly at me before she leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on my lips. 

Reacting quickly, I reached forward and slid my hands into her hair, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss. I could have continued kissing her all night; that would have made me perfectly content, but it was our first date, and Emily deserved to have her socks knocked off. 

So, although it was extraordinarily difficult, I pulled away after only about a minute. 

“Our date awaits, milady,” I explained when she pouted at me, placing a kiss on her cheek before reversing out of the driveway and beginning our journey. 

Emily reached out to grab my right hand and placed it in her lap, leaving me to drive with only one. Not that I minded, but it was a little distracting to have her fingers running lightly over my own in senseless patterns. 

I was starting to regret stopping our make-out session. 

“So, where are we off to, Super Genius?” Em asked sweetly, shifting in her seat to look straight at me. 

Her dress rode up her thighs just the tiniest bit as she shifted, and the hand she was holding in her lap came into contact with even more skin. Goosebumps rose all over my body and I could feel my face heat up at the sensation. 

I was going to crash the car if this continued. 

“It’s a surprise,” I managed to choke out, coughing a little to clear my throat. 

“Oh really?” Em asked with faux innocence, turning my hand over so I could grasp her thigh in my palm. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me?”

She was obviously intent on getting us both killed. 

“I’m absolutely sure,” I stated without conviction, snatching my hand away and focusing as best I could when I realized we had missed our turn. “Now stop trying to distract me, or we’ll never get there.”

Sticking my tongue out at her again, I smiled when she snorted with laughter. 

“Okay, okay, hands to myself, I got it,” she giggled, sticking her own tongue out at me in response. 

Even that was distracting. 

Everything about her was distracting. 

“See, you better behave, I’m all over the place because of you and now we’re going to be late,” I teased, winking at her before pulling a u-turn so I could get back on our route. 

Emily giggled again, and I grinned so widely at the sound that I thought my face might break open with my happiness. 

Falling into an easy silence while we drove, I just grinned continually, occasionally glancing over at Em and then back to the road. I was entirely unable to contain my joy, and I was loving every minute of it. The gigantic smile on my girlfriend’s face told me she wasn’t doing too shabby herself. 

Girlfriend. 

Emily Fields was my girlfriend. 

My grin grew impossibly wider for the remaining twenty minutes of our drive. 

“You know, if you wanted it to be a surprise that we were coming to the lake house, you probably should have blindfolded me. I know these roads by now, Spence,” Emily teased, winking at me as I pulled into the driveway. 

“Well, perhaps it is not the lake house itself that is the surprise, but what’s inside,” I offered mysteriously, winking right back at her before stepping out of the car and moving around to open her door. 

“So chivalrous,” Em observed as I helped her out of the car, surprising me when she placed a light, chaste kiss on my lips in thanks. 

Unable to help myself, I reached my arms around her waist, pulling her toward me and returning her kiss with much more depth than she had originally intended. Emily’s breath caught in her throat when my lips were pulled to her elegant neck, and I had never heard anything so sexy in my life. 

I wanted her so badly. 

“Spence, Spencer,” Emily gasped as I reached her exposed collarbone, reaching out to take hold of my shoulders and still my movements. “We need to slow down. You haven’t even taken me on our first date yet.”

Her tone was playful, but sincere in her desire to take a step back, and I immediately felt a little guilty. 

My point in bringing her to the lake house was to wow her, not to push her. 

“I’m sorry, Em, you’re right. I got carried away,” I apologized, closing the car door before taking her hand and leading her to the front door. “I promised I was going to make this special, and I will, you deserve that.”

Emily pulled at my hand to stop me before I opened the door, and I hesitantly turned to face her. 

“Spencer, stop it,” she admonished gently, reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear and keeping that same hand lightly on my cheek as she spoke. “Stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t even blameworthy. I know that you’re still healing, and putting that extra stress on yourself is not going to help you get better. I need you to know that I am here no matter what, even if you have a bad day and things don’t turn out the way you want them to.

Everything you are feeling, or not feeling, is legitimate. So don’t beat yourself up about all of these little things. I know how much you want to make this special for me, perfectionist that you are, but I don’t want to be another element added to your stress levels. Plus, I’m with you, Spencer. Tonight is already special to me.”

There were tears in my eyes when she finished. 

“Em, I…” I started before I was cut off by another wave of her hand. 

“I don’t want you to say anything in response to that; let’s just go inside and enjoy the wonderful date that you have planned for us. My fingers are about to freeze off, and I would very much like to be able to hold your hand after this moment,” she joked, giving me a peck on the cheek before motioning for me to open the door in front of us. 

“As you wish,” I offered with a kitschy bow, winking at her as I pushed through the entrance. 

She giggled adorably and curtseyed before walking in behind me. 

“May I take your coat, madam?” I inquired imperiously after closing the door, trying my absolute best to keep a straight face. 

“You may,” Em returned playfully, allowing me to slip her coat off her shoulders. 

There was that gorgeous dress again. Suddenly the warm seemed significantly warmer than it had just seconds before. 

“You’re staring, my love,” she teased, reaching out to push my open mouth closed and causing me to blush a bit in embarrassment. 

I really needed to stop ogling her, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. 

“It’s not my fault you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. How could I help but stare?”

It was Emily’s turn to blush as I turned to hang my own coat up in the entryway closet. 

As soon as I had finished, strong arms wrapped around my middle, and Emily’s mouth settled directly next to my ear, her hot breath blowing tauntingly across my cheek. 

“I think perhaps, my love, you do not look in the mirror often enough,” she whispered, placing an open-mouthed kiss behind my ear before pulling away. 

This woman was going to be the death of me. 

Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself and turned back toward her. 

“So, are you ready to be wowed?”

Em just nodded, a sincere smile gracing her features as she waited for me to take the lead. 

“Close your eyes and take my hand. Don’t look until I tell you,” I commanded softly, taking her hand and leading her carefully into the living room once I was certain her eyes were closed tightly. 

I had driven up earlier in the day to set everything up. There were gardenias everywhere (Emily’s favorite flowers). The crockpot was on, keeping our lasagna warm, and the salad was already made and in the refrigerator. All that was left for me to do was slide the tray of rolls into the oven for a few minutes. Ice cream was for dessert. The coffee table was set, pillows were scattered across the floor for us to sit on, and candles were set out on every possible surface. 

Taking Emily’s hand from mine, I placed it on the back of the couch so she would have an anchor while I finished setting up. 

“Keep your eyes closed,” I reminded her, before preheating the oven and lighting all of the candles in the room. 

Taking a deep breath, I moved to switch on the CD player, and old-school jazz started to flow from the surround sound speakers my dad had installed years ago. Walking back behind the couch, I turned Em toward me. 

“Open your eyes.”

Emily blinked a few times, her eyes coming into focus quickly but her head turning slowly. As her eyes slid over all of the details in the room, her mouth fell open slightly and her face shone with happiness. Catching sight of the first bouquet of gardenias, her eyes became wet with unshed tears. 

“Spencer…” she started, her breath catching slightly in her throat. 

I smiled at her and took her hands, halting her words. 

“The rolls still need to be put in the oven. Dance with me while they bake?” I requested, feeling the hopefulness shine from my face. 

“I would love to,” Emily breathed, squeezing my hands in her own. 

Nodding with a giant grin on my face, I squeezed her hands in return before letting them go and turning toward the kitchen. I quickly unwrapped the rolls and slid the pan into the oven. Turning back, I took Em’s hands once more and pulled her toward me, sliding one arm around her waist and holding the other in my own, securing her tightly to me. 

Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong serenaded us from all around the living room, their smooth, soulful voices fitting perfectly into the atmosphere, helping to create an intimacy that wasn’t there before. The candles flickered softly, and their scent lingered in the air. 

The moment could not have been any more perfect. 

As a Hastings, my parents had insisted on dance lessons from a young age, ballroom of course. All of their country club friends were imposing it on their country club children, and the Hastings couldn’t do less. It was only while I danced with Emily that I truly came to appreciate the fact that I had been forced to participate in such a farce. I was proud to lead her around my living room floor, and that I actually remembered the steps. 

Twirling her around the couch and chairs, I found that my girlfriend was not quite a follower, especially when it came to dancing. She took my lead when she wanted to, but she refused to twirl too far from my side or stay out of my embrace for too long. 

I can’t say that I exactly minded. 

We were so lost in each other that I quite literally jumped at least two feet in the air when the timer for the rolls went off. 

Emily died laughing. 

Being the child that I was, I stuck my tongue out at her before walking into the kitchen. Pulling the rolls out of the oven with a dishtowel, I had to shoo Em away from helping. 

“Stop it. Go sit down. I am serving you dinner tonight,” I admonished, kissing her cheek before playfully swatting her butt and sending her out to the living room. 

“Yes, Super Genius. Whatever you say, Super Genius,” she retorted with a grin, purposefully sashaying sexily out of the room. 

I almost dropped the tray of rolls. 

Shakily placing the tray on the stovetop, I gave myself a moment before dishing out the lasagna into a large bowl and placing the rolls onto a plate. With everything table-ready, I carried all three elements of our meal into the living room, where all of the plates and cutlery were already set up from my visit earlier. Kissing Emily’s cheek, I motioned for her to start dishing up a plate while I returned to the kitchen for the sparkling cider I had bought for the occasion. 

With Em having struggled with alcohol in the past, and my recent bout with addiction, I figured it would make for a better night if we avoided temptation. 

At least that kind of temptation. 

“So, are you ready to eat?” I asked as I sat down, reaching to grab Emily’s champagne glass and fill it with the non-alcoholic beverage. 

“So ready,” she gushed, placing a light kiss on my lips before moving to cheers me with her newly filled glass. “And thank you, Spencer. You went to so much trouble, and everything looks absolutely delicious. You truly have made tonight perfect.”

“Anything for you, Em,” I stated, smiling brightly at her as she dug in. 

I was not expecting the moans. 

From her first bite, Emily made appreciative noises in the back of her throat as she tasted each of the dishes, and they had a quite predictable effect on me. 

“Oh my god, Spencer, this is so good! I didn’t know you were such a talented cook,” she exclaimed with her mouth still half full, her eyes wide with surprise. 

I might have been insulted by her lack of faith had my brain been functioning at full capacity. It was not. 

“I’m glad you like it,” I offered breathlessly, my mouth hanging open. 

Paralyzed by the sounds that were emanating from her as she ate, all I could do was stare at her. My fork hung in mid-air, lasagna dripping off the sides. I was genuinely incapable of moving. 

Emily just smirked at me. Giving one last moan that was unnecessarily loud and sexy, she proceeded to quiet down finally, and I knew at once she had done it on purpose. She reached over with a single, crooked finger to gently shut my mouth for me. 

“You are evil, you know that?” I questioned teasingly, fighting very hard to get myself under control enough to continue eating. 

“Maybe,” Em agreed with an even more devious smirk, moving just the tiniest bit closer to me. “But who could blame me? You’re pretty adorable when you get flustered.”

Unable to help myself, I started laughing uncontrollably, smacking Em’s arm lightly. 

Our conversation stayed light throughout the remainder of the meal, punctuated by loud laughter and a lot of smiling. The intimacy of our surroundings eliminated a lot of the emotional boundaries we both usually felt, and we discussed everything more deeply and freely than ever before. Jumping from childhood friends we had before meeting each other to funny family stories to some of our greatest fears, we talked long after our plates were clean and the leftovers had gone cold. We never even got to the ice cream. 

“We should probably clean this up. I want at least one more dance with you before you take me home,” Em stated as she gathered her plate and stood from the floor, already heading to the kitchen. 

“Emily, you can’t possibly think I’m going to let you clean up after a date that I planned,” I argued, standing with my plate as well and following her. 

After placing her dish on the counter, she took mine and deposited it there as well. She then moved closer to me, putting her lips right up next to my ear. Again. 

I was sensing a pattern. 

“The quicker we get this place cleaned up, the longer I get to spend in your arms. I’m helping you whether you like it or not.”

Needless to say, I couldn’t exactly argue with her logic. 

Putting the food away and washing the dishes took virtually no time at all. It probably would have if Em had her way, what with all the hand brushing and leaning into each other, but I really wanted to hold her for as long as I could before our night was through, so I kept myself as under control as humanly possible. 

“That’s the last one,” I stated triumphantly, turning dramatically toward Emily and offering my hand to her gallantly. “So, my lady, may I have another dance?”

“Like you even need to ask,” Em returned with a nod, smiling as I lead her back into the candle-lit living room. 

Holding each other tightly, I took a moment just to soak it all in; the happiness I felt with the love of my life standing there in my arms. It was incredible to me, how the last few days had unfolded, and I couldn’t help but be incredibly grateful for the chance I had been given. 

“Do you have any idea how incredible you are?” I inquired with awe, placing a light and loving kiss on Emily’s cheek as I spun her around, waiting for her response. 

“Says my Super Genius,” she chuckled, pulling away to look at me in the eye, a giant smile plastered on her beautiful face. 

“No, seriously, Em. I don’t know where I would be without you,” I argued, maintaining pointed eye contact as I tried to impress upon her just how incredible I thought she was. 

“You would be healing, my love,” she responded, reaching up to cup my cheek. “Even without me, you would have beaten the pills. You don’t need me; your amazing strength is what has gotten you through all this time. I’m just glad that I can be here with you, loving you and supporting you through all of it.”

Taking a deep breath, I had to fight back the tears that threatened to fall as I tried my best to answer her praise. 

“I’m not sure I agree with you on the strength part, but I’m incredibly glad that you’re with me. I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life… I love you so much.”

Leaning forward, I kissed her deeply, unable to restrain myself any longer. Our lips slid together, perfectly, made for each other, and I sighed happily as our mouths opened simultaneously and Emily deepened our kiss even further. 

I would never get tired of kissing her, or holding her, or loving her. 

“How did we get so lucky?” Emily questioned with a groan as I moved my head to nibble gently on her ear lobe. 

Pulling myself away reluctantly, knowing I had to get her home by curfew, I stepped back to ensure we didn’t fall into each other all over again. I couldn’t be sure I could control myself if we kissed like that again. 

“I don’t know,” I finally responded, gazing at her longingly from a few feet away. “But after everything we’ve been through lately, I think we both deserve this little bit of happiness, don’t you?”

“I definitely do,” Em agreed strongly, pulling me in once more by the shirt, ensuring she wouldn’t get home for quite some time. 

In all honesty, I couldn’t exactly bring myself to care about curfew. Not when I had the most compassionate, beautiful, incredible woman standing in my arms. 

The world could wait. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters that exist therein. If I did, it would be all Spemily, all the time.


End file.
